It's All About Me

I'm a young-ish mom to Olivia (on the brink of being old-ish) who looks for humor in most situations but can be overly sarcastic at times.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Blog Bullies

It looks like Abi is trying to get more people blogging.

I'm right there with you, Abi! It's just not fair that everybody else can read our blogs but don't have a blog to reciprocate. Let's get these people motivated and blogging before New Year's Eve!

I have a feeling that your approach will be different than mine. You provided interesting topics customized for each individual. My style will probably be to annoy and pester until people comply just to get rid of me.

You are the like the Outside Salesperson who takes clients out for a nice lunch.

I am like the Telemarketer who randomly calls people when they are trying to eat dinner.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

On A Scale From One To Ten...

...I rate those a Russell Crowe.

Let's say that you and I are at the mall, you try on a pair of jeans and ask for my opinion. Even though they are the latest style and most people are wearing them, they're not very flattering and I think the brand is overrated so I say, "Meh...about a four."

Of course, anything less than an eight is unacceptable so you pass on the jeans and we mosey on down to the food court for a Jamba Juice.

In real life, this situation probably wouldn't happen for two reasons: my strong aversion to the mall and the fact that I do not rate via the 1 to 10 scale system anymore. I have created my own rating system...The Man Scale. A celebrity represents a number from 1 to 10. Instead of rating those jeans a four, I would have said, "Meh...about a Russell Crowe" because I find Crowe less-than-average in the looks department and just a wee bit overrated.

Pretty stupid, huh?

When Gladiator came out, one of my friends kept telling me to watch it because Russell was half-nekkid most of the time. This did not entice me to watch the movie because when I think of Russell Crowe, I immediately think of Sloth from The Goonies. I think they are the same except one is less pirate-y.

Here is The Man Scale that I use:

1 = Carrot Top (Shudder)

2 = Ric Ocasek (Eat a sandwich already)

3 = Steve Buscemi

4 = Russell Crowe

5 = John Cusack (Solid average)

6 = Edward Norton

7 = Chris Isaak (He dresses up in concert)

8 = Christian Bale

9 = Dennis Quaid/Steve McQueen

10 = Paul Newman, Paul Newman, Paul Newman and Paul Newman

I highly recommend the movie Slap Shot but be warned of the foul language. Newman's wardrobe in the movie is incredible.

Monday, October 22, 2007

The QFC Pharmacist Needs A Publisher

Today, I went to QFC to "pick up a prescription" but I suspect the real reason was to see if that giant pumpkin had been hauled away. (There was no sign of the pumpkin.) The pharmacist gave me my meds and also handed over some sort of punch card.

"Oh, we're having the customer keep these cards instead of keeping track of them behind the counter."

I looked at the card and saw that each time I filled a prescription, QFC marked off a box and I could earn QFC gift cards. Free-ish money!

"Here's your $10 gift card. Oh...and these are only for fun."

Whoa whoa whoa. What was up with that "fun" comment? I must investigate.

"I wasn't even aware of this card. You say it's for fun only. Does that mean people pester you about these things instead of just having fun with them?"

The pharmacist scanned the area, saw that nobody was within earshot and said, "You wouldn't believe it. People will have five prescriptions sitting back there but will pick them up one at a time so they can check off five boxes on the card."

I informed him that he should keep a journal behind the counter to take notes about customer comments/behavior. After two or three years, he'd have enough material to write a book. Name it something along the lines of Consultation Counter Confessions. My friend, Sue, and I always talk about writing our own book about the crap we saw while working at Nordstrom. If it was a crazy situation, one of us would be involved if not both of us. And it was always on a Sunday. My shining moment was having a customer follow me into the bathroom, wait until I was inside the stall and then ask me to give change for a dollar. Did she think I was wearing a change belt? Psycho Sunday. My favorite Sue moment was when some guy told her that she had the "spirit of Jezebel" and then started to recite Scripture. He was personally introduced to Nordstrom security. Psycho Sunday.

Good times.

I told the pharmacist he could make some extra money off of such a book. He said, "Yesterday, I told a customer that her prescription would be ready in 10 minutes. She then asked if it could be filled immediately because she didn't want to die."

I have no idea how old that customer was or what the heck she was taking pills for but it's kind of sad that she was worried about dying while waiting for her prescription.

My favorite was the pharmacist checking the perimeter before spilling the dirt about the punch cards.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Guess My Weight

The other day, I went to QFC to get some groceries. In the produce department, there was a big pumpkin sitting on a table. The person to correctly guess the weight of the pumpkin wins the prize and the drawing! Exciting!

Unfortunately, the prize is the actual pumpkin and I don't know what anybody would want with a pumpkin of this size.

I think QFC doesn't want to deal with the problem of disposing of the pumpkin and this is how they are trying to get rid of the thing. Don't be fooled by that fancy leaf QFC stuck on the top. Fancy leaf does not equal first place prize.

I really hope the chump...I mean, the winner drives a Smart Car and not a monster truck.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Don't Go Into The Water!

I am extremely concerned about my cousin, Tim. So concerned that I may call his parents and/or hold a family meeting and/or stage an intervention.

Tim likes to swim in poop.

Here's the situation:
Tim is currently in the Marshall Islands teaching the local kids how to have a surfing club with only one surfboard (if you have a no longer needed surfboard you could part with, let me know...serious...could also use magazines/books 11-ish yr. old kids might like), how to almost steal your neighbor's baby chicks and the fancy footwork of the "It's the Weekend Dance." When swimming at the Marshall Islands, one can choose from lagoon-side or ocean-side. See below for brief descriptions provided by Tim:

Smaller Sharks = +1 point
Fewer Sharks = +1 point
Diapers Floating About In Murky Water = -50 points

Lagoon-Side Score = -47 points


Bigger Sharks = +1 point (it's my point system and all sharks big and small deserve the same respect)
More Sharks = +1 point (1 shark or 100 sharks...quantity doesn't matter...there's still 5 rows of teeth in there waiting to bite off your big toe)
People Use The Ocean As A Bathroom = -50 points

Ocean-Side Score = -47

Hmm...poop again.

Looks like it's a tie, folks. No matter which water you choose, you're going home with Ecoli.

Tim has always swam lagoon-side because he thinks the sharks in the lagoon are nicer than the sharks in the ocean. However, regarding the lagoon diapers Tim said "It is tragic and disgusting but it is not life-threatening."

Somebody help him. Ecoli kills. I may have to draw a diagram.

The other day, Tim thought the ocean looked mighty inviting but a friend warned of the ocean being a giant Honey Bucket so Tim asked his neighbor to join him in an ocean swim. The neighbor agreed without hesitation, which was all Tim needed as a safety check, so he dove right in and swam until he could swim no more.

Let's focus on Tim's neighbor for a moment. The neighbor was all "Hey, you should totally swim in the ocean, Dude. No poop in the ocean, Dude. Let me put on my swim cap and I'll go with you , Dude" and back inside the neighbor went to "get a swim cap" while Tim waited outside.

Tim, think about it. Was your neighbor wearing a swim cap when she came back out? I didn't think so. It's obvious that your neighbor was getting you back for trying to steal those baby chicks. The swim cap was an excuse to go into the kitchen and drink a glass of Poop Blocker so she wouldn't have to worry about the Ecoli.

That being said, the upside-down waves Tim described sound pretty cool.

Disclaimer: The math calculations in this post were done without the use of a calculator. This blog does not take responsibility for any errors resulting from the blog owner doing math in her head.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Today The Pond...Tomorrow The World!

In 1972, MGM released a horror movie about a crotchety patriarch named Jason Crockett(Ray Milland). Crockett owns an island and the entire Crockett Clan gathers each 4th of July to celebrate the old coot's birthday. Crockett ain't too keen on having critters running amok during the festivities so he does what any self-respecting millionaire would do and poisons them.

A free-lance environmentalist photographer named Pickett Smith just happens to come across Crockett's private island and is the hero of the movie. I believe Pickett arrived by canoe. My guess is to reduce his carbon footprint by leaving his gas-guzzling speedboat at home.

Joe and I absolutely LOVE this movie! For many reasons but first and foremost, Pickett Smith is played by Sam Elliott and anybody who has seen Road House knows that a movie with Sam Elliott is worth a look-see. Of course, Patrick Swayze as Dalton is the real reason to watch Road House but when Sam Elliott's character first shows up to give Dalton some help kicking in the teeth of the local troublemakers, he calls the bar The Double Douche instead of The Double Deuce. That's some fine cinematic writing at work. What's more amazing about Road House is the hair on the three main characters. One would think Kelly Lynch would be the prettiest of them all but this picture proves otherwise. Maybe if she showed off more chest hair in the v-neck of her shirt she'd have a chance but Sam Elliott's v-neck is clearly the winner.

Don't judge me. You know that every time USA runs its Road House marathon, you call up Domino's and plant yourself firmly in front of the telly so you won't miss one moment of not believing Swayze could actually whoop up on any of those fools he bounces out of town.

Anyway, back to Frogs...The frogs are the ringleaders that plot against Crockett and his brood for their anti-nature behavior. The frogs keep us guessing throughout by sending in different creatures each time to kill off the polluting humans. Will it be the lizards? Or the spiders? Or the alligators? How about that turtle? Yes, even a turtle gets a little blood on its shell.

Were Joe and I scared by this movie? Absolutely not! Today, I was in Target with my cousin and his family and the kids pulled a bunch of stuffed frogs that sang and danced down from the shelf and set them all off at the same time. Now THAT was horrifying!

Seriously...just look at these things...they are frightening!

12 Days

12 days ago, I mentioned something about the tree in my office. Well, now it is officially leaf free. The bad news is that the ugly file cabinet is in full view. The good news is that I can now see the bottom of the calendar on the wall so I'll remember when it is Thanksgiving and Christmas. I'd probably forget otherwise.

The same co-worker that thought it was a fishing pole 12 days ago stuck her head into my door and said, " it looks like a bony hand."

Once the branches fall off, I'm going to stick them into a tall vase filled with fragrant liquid and pass it off as a room freshener. I bought something similar from Pier One and set it on the ugly file cabinet. My version will be better because it will be bigger and everybody knows that bigger is better.

I'd better get over to Pier One and buy a tall glass vase.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

The Lamest Halloween Costume...Ever!

When I was in the 5th grade, I remember looking at patterns at the fabric store with Mom and Joe. Mom held up a Crayola crayon pattern and said, "Leah, what color of crayon do you want to be?"

Me: "Yellow!"

Mom: "Okay. Joe what color of crayon do you want to be?"

Joe: "I want to be a tube of toothpaste!"

Mom bought one pattern, a bunch of yellow felt, a bunch of white felt and a bunch of red felt and used the crayon pattern for both costumes. In case you were wondering, Joe was Colgate. I still think Mom should have made him Aquafresh instead. Fitting nine letters plus the Aquafresh striped swirl on that costume would have been impressive. Colgate = cop out.

Olivia has decided to be an evil queen for Halloween this year. Since Mom made most of the costumes for me and Joe when we were kids, it's important to me to continue the tradition for Olivia (meaning Mom makes Olivia's costumes because I don't know how to sew). We were at the fabric store a few days ago looking for an evil queen pattern and something caught my eye. It was a family of penguins so a family of humans could match for Halloween. Kind of like how on vacation, there tends to be one family wandering about wearing matching green shirts.

I found a pattern of various capes that included a queen. The pattern also included a picture of a kid dressed as a vampire.

Me: "Olivia, you should be a vampire this year. If you're going to be a vampire, this is the year to do it!"

Olivia (with eye roll and disgusted sigh): "Mama, I don't have my two front teeth hell-oo! I would be the lamest vampire...ever!"

Exactly my point.

So...which is the lamest costume ever? Toothless Vampire? Yellow crayon? This guy? Tube of toothpaste? That time Joe made Mom create an Optimus Prime costume for him out of cardboard boxes and colored tape?

It should be mentioned that I don't really consider any of these costumes lame, except for Papa Penguin. I really hope that guy walked away with a giant sack of dirty money for being photographed while skidding on his belly.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Dancing With The Chachi

Have any of you wondered why Scott Baio is a judge on "Dancing With The Stars"? I didn't realize Scott had jazz hands and high kicks in his background.

I know...I know...Bruno Tonioli is the real judge and not Baio but in my mind, they are one and the same. It's more fun for me that way.

Judge Baioli is a flamboyant teen heart-throb from back in the day and says things such as:

"The tango is strong and sensual! It started off very sexy and powerful but somewhere towards the middle, Charles was no longer in charge! Five!"


"I was so mesmerized by your slow-slow-quick-quick-slow footwork that it lulled me into a saucy wonderland where everybody dances the Cha-Cha-Chachi! Nine!"

If I concentrate on Judge Baioli, then maybe I'll forget about Mark Cuban's butt-scar from his hip replacement surgery.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Can I Water Your Plants While You're On Vacation?

Two months ago, I bought a tree for my office. It was a nice bushy tree with lots of leaves and distracted the eye away from the ugly file cabinet.

I took a picture of the tree today because it doesn't look like the same tree. It still distracts the eye away from the ugly file cabinet but for very different reasons.

Let's take a closer look, shall we?

A co-worker walked by this morning, popped her head in my door and said, "Oh...I thought that was a fishing pole."

I give it less than a month before it's completely leaf-free.