I'm Sure I Won't Regret This Decision One Little Bit

On Saturday, my brother drove Mom home and I rode along.  About half-way there, I piped up from the back seat, "So, I've decided to watch every single Kevin Bacon movie from oldest to newest."  (Anybody who knows me will realize that something of this magnitude must be randomly announced.)  Joe immediately replied, "I don't think you thought this all of the way through."

Me:  "It makes perfect sense.  I was watching Mystic River the other day and realized that Bacon was actually pretty decent."
Joe (in sing-song):  "You're going to have to watch some reaaaaally bad moooovies!"
Me:  "I'm perfectly aware that I'll have to watch Tom Cruise, Jennifer Aniston and Reba along the way but, that's the point...to find out when, exactly, Kevin Bacon made the turn from being cheese-ball to being not bad.  Was it JFK?"
Joe (in sing-song):  "You're going to have to watch Wiiiild Things...and he misses his mark in the showwwwerrr!"
Me:  "I'm perfectly aware that you can see Kevin's bacon in Wild Things."
Mom:  "I didn't know he was in Where the Wild Things Are."
In Unison:  "He's not.  Different movie."
Mom:  "There are two movies about the wild things?"
Joe:  "No.  I want to see Where the Wild Things Are and do not want to see Wild Things ever again."
Mom:  "What is Wild Things?"
Joe:  "A really bad movie with that Sasquatch girl."
Me:  "She makes out with another girl in a swimming pool.  And, yeah, she's pretty hairy.  I'd hate to see her waxing bill."
Joe:  "I can guarantee some guy shows up daily with hedge trimmers just to keep her maintained.  What's his first movie?"
Me:  "Animal House so at least the first movie I'll have to watch isn't terrible.  Unfortunately, he made Friday the 13th shortly thereafter and I'm not excited about watching that one.  I've been very happy to get this far in life without seeing Friday the 13th."
Joe:  "He gets an arrow through his Adam's Apple."
Me:  "Dammit, Joe!  Way to ruin the movie for me!"
Joe:  "Sheesh...okay okay!  All I'm saying is, you picked the wrong actor.  And Reba isn't in the movie for that long but who cares about Reba, anyway?  Michael Gross is grrrrreat!"

On Sunday, I met my buddy for a beer because that's what we do on Sunday.  I told John about my Kevin Bacon-thon and that Joe thought I picked the wrong guy because I'd have to watch Wild Things.

John:  "I've never watched Wild Things.  What is it about?"
Me:  "Don't watch it.  It's bad.  That hairy girl who married Charlie Sheen makes out with Neve Campell in a swimming pool and Bill Murray runs around wearing a fake neck brace to win a lawsuit or something."
John:  "Bill Murray!  That reminds me of Caddyshack!  I should watch Caddyshack."
Me:  "I've never watched Caddyshack."
John:  "What?  Leah, you've never watched Caddyshack?  Oh, you've got to watch Caddyshack."
Me:  "I don't want to watch Caddyshack.  It doesn't seem funny to me."
John:  "Caddyshack isn't supposed to be funny...that's the point.  It's all about how Rodney Dangerfield gets away with saying things."
Me:  "I can't stand it when people quote Caddyshack."
John:  "Which actor does your brother want you to pick?"
Me:  "I have no idea.  I'll text him and find out."
John:  "I can't believe you don't want to watch Caddyshack.  It has Chevy Chase."
Me:  "I know it has Chevy Chase."
John:  "What did your bro say?"
Me (checking phone):  "He hasn't gotten back to me yet.  He must be ignoring me.  I hate it when he ignores me."
John:  "I think you should watch all of Rudy Ray Moore's movies next."
Me:  "Hang on...I'm texting Joe that you think I should watch Rudy Ray Moore's movies."
John (laughing):  "Everybody should watch all of Rudy Ray Moore's movies!"
Me:  "It doesn't get any better than Dolemite.  Hang on...I'm texting Joe to see if Robert Downey, Jr. would be a better choice."
John:  "I'll make you a deal:  If you watch Caddyshack, I'll watch Wild Things."
Me:  "I don't remember saying that you had to watch Wild Things but, okay."

We shook hands and went our separate ways.  I'm still not sure why I agreed to watch Caddyshack when I specifically told John not to watch Wild Things but I was annoyed with Joe for ignoring my texts and, therefore, wasn't paying very close attention to the situation so it got away from me.  20 minutes later, I was walking up the sidewalk towards the house and found Joe standing out front watching our cousin spray debris from his driveway.

Joe:  "Hey."
Me:  "You didn't text me back."
Joe (digging phone from pocket):  "You texted me? Yep...you did.  Not Robert Downey, Jr....he's too good."
Me:  "Yeah, that's probably true.  What are you doing?"
Joe (pointing at our cousin):  "Tom has a hose."
Tom:  "Robert Downey, Jr. for what?"
Me:  "Joe doesn't think Kevin Bacon is a good choice so I asked him if Robert Downey, Jr. was better."
Tom:  "Kevin Bacon is a brilliant choice!  He's in tons of movies and has been around for 30 years.  Who else has been so mediocre for so long?"
Joe (in sing-song):  "She's going to have to watch Wiiiild Things!  And Baaalllto!"
Me:  "Joe can't get over Wild Things.  Balto doesn't count because it's not available on Netflix.  He also hasn't told me who he thinks I should have picked since he thinks Bacon is such a bad choice."
Tom:  "Robert Downey, Jr. is too good."
Joe:  "Yeah, you should have picked Jeff Daniels."
Me:  "Dumb and Dumber?"
Joe:  "He's better than you think he is."
Me:  "I know.  Hmm...maybe I'll watch Daniels next.  Of course, this means I'll have to watch that movie with Jack Nicholson and Debra Winger."
In Unison:  "Terms of Endearment."
Me:  "Yeah, that movie."
Tom:  "Well, you have to get through Kevin Bacon first.  See you guys later!"
Joe (holding up a paper sack):  "I'm going to go eat this burrito."
Me:  "Pepino's?"
Joe:  "No, Cha Cha Cha's."

On Monday, I received the following text from my brother:  "The problem with Rudy Ray Moore is that he never made a bad picture."

The ground rules for watching all of Kevin Bacon's movies:

1. TV shows do not count;
2. If he's the director but not actually acting in the movie, it doesn't count (Losing Chase); and
3. I have to be able to get all movies from Netflix.  There's no way I'm going to put a real effort into tracking down Balto.

Shirts, Pants and Negligent Parents

Today, Olivia and I went to Birthday Party #1 (tomorrow is Birthday Party #2). Joe, Jess, Tom and Tom's family were there, too. Joe had to leave early because he was scheduled to work at Wild Tamales. After Birthday Party #1, I was hungry and Tom's wife needed to buy some pants for one kid and a Webkins for her other kid so we went to...the mall.

We figured that we should either eat or get coffee first so we headed towards the food court. There was very loud music coming from one of the stores so I asked, "How can they work in there with all of that loud music?" Tom's wife immediately agreed and then we yelled at some kids to pull up their pants and keep off of the grass. Tom said that the store must be the dance party store.

Suddenly, Tom's wife turned to me and said, "Isn't Joe at work right now? We should surprise him at Wild Tamales!" My eyes lit up and then we both squealed like 15 year old girls with 4th row tickets to the New Kids On The Block concert complete with that obnoxious hopping/jumping/hand clapping thing even though we had just told our kids to calm down.

Tom's wife and I lead by example.

We went to Wild Tamales and talked to Joe, who had two minutes left of his break. Mitch and Morris were there but not Merlin. I'm happy to report that I did not see any vomit coming out of Mitch. I also didn't buy any buttons.

After we left Wild Tamales, we got something to eat, found coffee and bought Webkins and pants. As we were walking past the stores, I looked into one of the windows and said, "I like that top." Tom asked, "Why do you call it a top? Why not a shirt?"

If it has buttons down the front, I call it a shirt. If it isn't a button-down, it may be a t-shirt, turtleneck, polo shirt, sweater or tunic. If it doesn't fit into any of those categories, it's a top. I didn't bother 'splaining any of this to Tom because he is a boy. Tom's wife is a girl and therefore did not require any 'splaining. Might as well save my words for more important things such as, "Why are those little girls all by themselves? Where are their parents? That little one is about four years old and the other one isn't a day over six." (Turns out their mom was inside Hallmark and figured the bench in the middle of the mall walkway was a safe place to leave them.)

We passed by the dance party store again on our way out of...the mall. Tom promptly went inside the entrance and danced in a very dorky way. Olivia followed. People stared. Once the dance party was over and we were back on our way, Tom's wife said something about the smoking deal she found on the pants. Tom said, "Don't you mean bottoms?"

Puh-leeze.

Hello, My Name Is...

I am a strong believer of NOT putting pictures of yourself or your child online. Today, I am going against that belief...sort of...





This is me. I've only had one cup o' java this morning so I'm still a bit persnickety. In a perfect world, I really would be wearing a hoodie and cargo pants but I am at work which means I am dressed more like this...







Isn't it cute how I'm acting like I'm happy about wearing hose and clip-clop shoes? Don't believe my smile; I'm a big faker. My boss isn't traveling so he is in the room right next to me today. I don't want him to think that I have a bad attitude about work. Plus, he arrived at the office before I did this morning which means that he made the coffee so I didn't have to wait for it to drip...drip...drip...drip...which makes me happy-ish.

This is Olivia. She is missing two teeth. I told her that if she would put things away when she was finished, she would be able to find them later but she kept interrupting to tell me that her teeth were stolen from her during the night by a wood sprite. She then tried to dial 9-1-1 to report the theft but I was able to stop her from calling. I do NOT need to 'splain a 9-1-1 call to Officer Not Amused...again.

Or were her teeth stolen by a C.H.U.D.? I can't remember the exact creature but I'm pretty sure it can play the panflute.



Anyway...Olivia is wearing her uniform because she is at school today. I absolutely LOVE the uniforms! Makes getting ready in the morning soooooooooo much easier! No battle over how a tank top and flip-flops are NOT appropriate during the winter months.

Friday is Free Dress Day at school which means Friday morning is going to suck. If Olivia picked out something like this to wear...




...it wouldn't be too bad. Only the flip-flops would need a parental veto. (Note to self: Get Olivia's bangs trimmed on Saturday. She keeps pushing them out of her eyes.)







So, what did we learn here today?

Uniforms/Oppression = Good
Flip-Flops/Individuality = Bad
Answering the door soaking wet and wearing nothing but a towel because there is an officer in uniform ringing the bell and I was in the shower = Bad

Actually, that has potential to be good. When it happens again, I'll let you know. Depends on the uniformed officer, I suppose. Unfortunately, I'll have to turn over two quarters and some sparkly dust as "evidence" which isn't the best way to get a date.

Wait a minute...are uniforms good or bad? Crap.

I'm so confused.

Happy New Year!

I am officially calling 2008 The Year of Leah. I don't know why; call it a hunch.

Please enjoy the following picture of Aeon the Terrible from Rudolph's Shiny New Year which may or may not still be shown on the telly.



New Year's Day was spent with my cousin, Tom (who is mostly to blame for my re-addiction to the Trailblazers...some of the blame can go to my boss, too...he tells me positive feel-good stories about the players and I miss the days of smuggling pot wrapped in a ball of tin foil through airport security because I could ignore the Blazers in those days and focus on more important things such as coffee or ice cream), and Tom's family. Tom's wife prepared a delicious soup for lunch and then we all went bowling. I broke a nail. So did Tom's wife. We blame the bowling balls.

I am a really good bowler.
Olivia's score = 81
Leah's score = 45

I am available as a ringer for your bowling league. Please contact me ASAP if you would like me on your team. I expect high interest in my bowling skills.

New Year's Resolution: Hmm...that's a tough one. I'm going to say to get back on the treadmill on a regular basis. AND...to back off of the coffee a wee bit.

Okay, I'm totally lying about the coffee. I'll probably increase my intake. I'll do anything I can to stain my teeth a disgusting shade of Burnt Sienna.

Blog Bullies

It looks like Abi is trying to get more people blogging.

I'm right there with you, Abi! It's just not fair that everybody else can read our blogs but don't have a blog to reciprocate. Let's get these people motivated and blogging before New Year's Eve!

I have a feeling that your approach will be different than mine. You provided interesting topics customized for each individual. My style will probably be to annoy and pester until people comply just to get rid of me.

You are the like the Outside Salesperson who takes clients out for a nice lunch.

I am like the Telemarketer who randomly calls people when they are trying to eat dinner.

Don't Go Into The Water!

I am extremely concerned about my cousin, Tim. So concerned that I may call his parents and/or hold a family meeting and/or stage an intervention.

Tim likes to swim in poop.

Here's the situation:
Tim is currently in the Marshall Islands teaching the local kids how to have a surfing club with only one surfboard (if you have a no longer needed surfboard you could part with, let me know...serious...could also use magazines/books 11-ish yr. old kids might like), how to almost steal your neighbor's baby chicks and the fancy footwork of the "It's the Weekend Dance." When swimming at the Marshall Islands, one can choose from lagoon-side or ocean-side. See below for brief descriptions provided by Tim:

Lagoon-Side:
Smaller Sharks = +1 point
Fewer Sharks = +1 point
Diapers Floating About In Murky Water = -50 points

Lagoon-Side Score = -47 points

Hmm...poop.

Ocean-Side:
Bigger Sharks = +1 point (it's my point system and all sharks big and small deserve the same respect)
More Sharks = +1 point (1 shark or 100 sharks...quantity doesn't matter...there's still 5 rows of teeth in there waiting to bite off your big toe)
People Use The Ocean As A Bathroom = -50 points

Ocean-Side Score = -47

Hmm...poop again.

Looks like it's a tie, folks. No matter which water you choose, you're going home with Ecoli.

Tim has always swam lagoon-side because he thinks the sharks in the lagoon are nicer than the sharks in the ocean. However, regarding the lagoon diapers Tim said "It is tragic and disgusting but it is not life-threatening."

Somebody help him. Ecoli kills. I may have to draw a diagram.

The other day, Tim thought the ocean looked mighty inviting but a friend warned of the ocean being a giant Honey Bucket so Tim asked his neighbor to join him in an ocean swim. The neighbor agreed without hesitation, which was all Tim needed as a safety check, so he dove right in and swam until he could swim no more.

Let's focus on Tim's neighbor for a moment. The neighbor was all "Hey, you should totally swim in the ocean, Dude. No poop in the ocean, Dude. Let me put on my swim cap and I'll go with you , Dude" and back inside the neighbor went to "get a swim cap" while Tim waited outside.

Tim, think about it. Was your neighbor wearing a swim cap when she came back out? I didn't think so. It's obvious that your neighbor was getting you back for trying to steal those baby chicks. The swim cap was an excuse to go into the kitchen and drink a glass of Poop Blocker so she wouldn't have to worry about the Ecoli.

That being said, the upside-down waves Tim described sound pretty cool.

Disclaimer: The math calculations in this post were done without the use of a calculator. This blog does not take responsibility for any errors resulting from the blog owner doing math in her head.

Today The Pond...Tomorrow The World!

In 1972, MGM released a horror movie about a crotchety patriarch named Jason Crockett(Ray Milland). Crockett owns an island and the entire Crockett Clan gathers each 4th of July to celebrate the old coot's birthday. Crockett ain't too keen on having critters running amok during the festivities so he does what any self-respecting millionaire would do and poisons them.

A free-lance environmentalist photographer named Pickett Smith just happens to come across Crockett's private island and is the hero of the movie. I believe Pickett arrived by canoe. My guess is to reduce his carbon footprint by leaving his gas-guzzling speedboat at home.

Joe and I absolutely LOVE this movie! For many reasons but first and foremost, Pickett Smith is played by Sam Elliott and anybody who has seen Road House knows that a movie with Sam Elliott is worth a look-see. Of course, Patrick Swayze as Dalton is the real reason to watch Road House but when Sam Elliott's character first shows up to give Dalton some help kicking in the teeth of the local troublemakers, he calls the bar The Double Douche instead of The Double Deuce. That's some fine cinematic writing at work. What's more amazing about Road House is the hair on the three main characters. One would think Kelly Lynch would be the prettiest of them all but this picture proves otherwise. Maybe if she showed off more chest hair in the v-neck of her shirt she'd have a chance but Sam Elliott's v-neck is clearly the winner.

Don't judge me. You know that every time USA runs its Road House marathon, you call up Domino's and plant yourself firmly in front of the telly so you won't miss one moment of not believing Swayze could actually whoop up on any of those fools he bounces out of town.

Anyway, back to Frogs...The frogs are the ringleaders that plot against Crockett and his brood for their anti-nature behavior. The frogs keep us guessing throughout by sending in different creatures each time to kill off the polluting humans. Will it be the lizards? Or the spiders? Or the alligators? How about that turtle? Yes, even a turtle gets a little blood on its shell.

Were Joe and I scared by this movie? Absolutely not! Today, I was in Target with my cousin and his family and the kids pulled a bunch of stuffed frogs that sang and danced down from the shelf and set them all off at the same time. Now THAT was horrifying!

Seriously...just look at these things...they are frightening!