Don't Go Into The Water!

I am extremely concerned about my cousin, Tim. So concerned that I may call his parents and/or hold a family meeting and/or stage an intervention.

Tim likes to swim in poop.

Here's the situation:
Tim is currently in the Marshall Islands teaching the local kids how to have a surfing club with only one surfboard (if you have a no longer needed surfboard you could part with, let me know...serious...could also use magazines/books 11-ish yr. old kids might like), how to almost steal your neighbor's baby chicks and the fancy footwork of the "It's the Weekend Dance." When swimming at the Marshall Islands, one can choose from lagoon-side or ocean-side. See below for brief descriptions provided by Tim:

Lagoon-Side:
Smaller Sharks = +1 point
Fewer Sharks = +1 point
Diapers Floating About In Murky Water = -50 points

Lagoon-Side Score = -47 points

Hmm...poop.

Ocean-Side:
Bigger Sharks = +1 point (it's my point system and all sharks big and small deserve the same respect)
More Sharks = +1 point (1 shark or 100 sharks...quantity doesn't matter...there's still 5 rows of teeth in there waiting to bite off your big toe)
People Use The Ocean As A Bathroom = -50 points

Ocean-Side Score = -47

Hmm...poop again.

Looks like it's a tie, folks. No matter which water you choose, you're going home with Ecoli.

Tim has always swam lagoon-side because he thinks the sharks in the lagoon are nicer than the sharks in the ocean. However, regarding the lagoon diapers Tim said "It is tragic and disgusting but it is not life-threatening."

Somebody help him. Ecoli kills. I may have to draw a diagram.

The other day, Tim thought the ocean looked mighty inviting but a friend warned of the ocean being a giant Honey Bucket so Tim asked his neighbor to join him in an ocean swim. The neighbor agreed without hesitation, which was all Tim needed as a safety check, so he dove right in and swam until he could swim no more.

Let's focus on Tim's neighbor for a moment. The neighbor was all "Hey, you should totally swim in the ocean, Dude. No poop in the ocean, Dude. Let me put on my swim cap and I'll go with you , Dude" and back inside the neighbor went to "get a swim cap" while Tim waited outside.

Tim, think about it. Was your neighbor wearing a swim cap when she came back out? I didn't think so. It's obvious that your neighbor was getting you back for trying to steal those baby chicks. The swim cap was an excuse to go into the kitchen and drink a glass of Poop Blocker so she wouldn't have to worry about the Ecoli.

That being said, the upside-down waves Tim described sound pretty cool.

Disclaimer: The math calculations in this post were done without the use of a calculator. This blog does not take responsibility for any errors resulting from the blog owner doing math in her head.

pi = 3.14159265 Ala Mode

Once a week, I volunteer in Olivia's classroom for an hour. My assignment: Flash Cards. I agreed to this only because the answer is on the back of each flash card and doesn't require any attempt at doing math in my head.

My brother, Joe, also can't do math in his head. Just ask his 2nd grade teacher, Mrs. Krause, who was a nasty ole' thing and told our mother, "Joe is too stupid to do math." I'd tell you to also ask his Sophomore algebra teacher, Mr. Shockey, but Mr. Shockey would actually have to know who my brother is in order to answer the question. During a Parent/Teacher conference, Mr. Shockey asked our mother, "Are you sure Joe is in my class?"

Joe and I went to really, really good schools. (For the record, we both can do math but it may or may not involve a calculator.)

Anyway...while doing the flash cards, I noticed something and I just have to ask:

Is it normal for a 2nd grade kid to be doing long division?

Because I don't think it's normal.

There are three (possibly four) kids in that class room who are studying long division.

I won't make eye contact with those kids.

All I can remember about the 2nd grade is that I rode a pink Schwinn bicycle and my teacher's name was Mrs. Schwinn. And something about a green hat.

The other day, Olivia told me that she "already knew everything" and, therefore, she "didn't need to go to school" anymore.

"You're in the 2nd grade and you already know everything, do ya? What's pi?"

"Huh? Do you mean chocolate or lemon pie? Are we going to eat some pie, Mama?"

I informed her that she needed some more schoolin' and didn't 'splain any further.

I'm going to ask those three (possibly four) kids in her class for the value of pi the next time I'm there. If I hear anything about the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter, it had better be that Kid C got a bigger slice of pie than Kid D and Kid X doesn't particularly care for pie but really likes vanilla ice cream.