I'm Sure I Won't Regret This Decision One Little Bit

On Saturday, my brother drove Mom home and I rode along.  About half-way there, I piped up from the back seat, "So, I've decided to watch every single Kevin Bacon movie from oldest to newest."  (Anybody who knows me will realize that something of this magnitude must be randomly announced.)  Joe immediately replied, "I don't think you thought this all of the way through."

Me:  "It makes perfect sense.  I was watching Mystic River the other day and realized that Bacon was actually pretty decent."
Joe (in sing-song):  "You're going to have to watch some reaaaaally bad moooovies!"
Me:  "I'm perfectly aware that I'll have to watch Tom Cruise, Jennifer Aniston and Reba along the way but, that's the point...to find out when, exactly, Kevin Bacon made the turn from being cheese-ball to being not bad.  Was it JFK?"
Joe (in sing-song):  "You're going to have to watch Wiiiild Things...and he misses his mark in the showwwwerrr!"
Me:  "I'm perfectly aware that you can see Kevin's bacon in Wild Things."
Mom:  "I didn't know he was in Where the Wild Things Are."
In Unison:  "He's not.  Different movie."
Mom:  "There are two movies about the wild things?"
Joe:  "No.  I want to see Where the Wild Things Are and do not want to see Wild Things ever again."
Mom:  "What is Wild Things?"
Joe:  "A really bad movie with that Sasquatch girl."
Me:  "She makes out with another girl in a swimming pool.  And, yeah, she's pretty hairy.  I'd hate to see her waxing bill."
Joe:  "I can guarantee some guy shows up daily with hedge trimmers just to keep her maintained.  What's his first movie?"
Me:  "Animal House so at least the first movie I'll have to watch isn't terrible.  Unfortunately, he made Friday the 13th shortly thereafter and I'm not excited about watching that one.  I've been very happy to get this far in life without seeing Friday the 13th."
Joe:  "He gets an arrow through his Adam's Apple."
Me:  "Dammit, Joe!  Way to ruin the movie for me!"
Joe:  "Sheesh...okay okay!  All I'm saying is, you picked the wrong actor.  And Reba isn't in the movie for that long but who cares about Reba, anyway?  Michael Gross is grrrrreat!"

On Sunday, I met my buddy for a beer because that's what we do on Sunday.  I told John about my Kevin Bacon-thon and that Joe thought I picked the wrong guy because I'd have to watch Wild Things.

John:  "I've never watched Wild Things.  What is it about?"
Me:  "Don't watch it.  It's bad.  That hairy girl who married Charlie Sheen makes out with Neve Campell in a swimming pool and Bill Murray runs around wearing a fake neck brace to win a lawsuit or something."
John:  "Bill Murray!  That reminds me of Caddyshack!  I should watch Caddyshack."
Me:  "I've never watched Caddyshack."
John:  "What?  Leah, you've never watched Caddyshack?  Oh, you've got to watch Caddyshack."
Me:  "I don't want to watch Caddyshack.  It doesn't seem funny to me."
John:  "Caddyshack isn't supposed to be funny...that's the point.  It's all about how Rodney Dangerfield gets away with saying things."
Me:  "I can't stand it when people quote Caddyshack."
John:  "Which actor does your brother want you to pick?"
Me:  "I have no idea.  I'll text him and find out."
John:  "I can't believe you don't want to watch Caddyshack.  It has Chevy Chase."
Me:  "I know it has Chevy Chase."
John:  "What did your bro say?"
Me (checking phone):  "He hasn't gotten back to me yet.  He must be ignoring me.  I hate it when he ignores me."
John:  "I think you should watch all of Rudy Ray Moore's movies next."
Me:  "Hang on...I'm texting Joe that you think I should watch Rudy Ray Moore's movies."
John (laughing):  "Everybody should watch all of Rudy Ray Moore's movies!"
Me:  "It doesn't get any better than Dolemite.  Hang on...I'm texting Joe to see if Robert Downey, Jr. would be a better choice."
John:  "I'll make you a deal:  If you watch Caddyshack, I'll watch Wild Things."
Me:  "I don't remember saying that you had to watch Wild Things but, okay."

We shook hands and went our separate ways.  I'm still not sure why I agreed to watch Caddyshack when I specifically told John not to watch Wild Things but I was annoyed with Joe for ignoring my texts and, therefore, wasn't paying very close attention to the situation so it got away from me.  20 minutes later, I was walking up the sidewalk towards the house and found Joe standing out front watching our cousin spray debris from his driveway.

Joe:  "Hey."
Me:  "You didn't text me back."
Joe (digging phone from pocket):  "You texted me? Yep...you did.  Not Robert Downey, Jr....he's too good."
Me:  "Yeah, that's probably true.  What are you doing?"
Joe (pointing at our cousin):  "Tom has a hose."
Tom:  "Robert Downey, Jr. for what?"
Me:  "Joe doesn't think Kevin Bacon is a good choice so I asked him if Robert Downey, Jr. was better."
Tom:  "Kevin Bacon is a brilliant choice!  He's in tons of movies and has been around for 30 years.  Who else has been so mediocre for so long?"
Joe (in sing-song):  "She's going to have to watch Wiiiild Things!  And Baaalllto!"
Me:  "Joe can't get over Wild Things.  Balto doesn't count because it's not available on Netflix.  He also hasn't told me who he thinks I should have picked since he thinks Bacon is such a bad choice."
Tom:  "Robert Downey, Jr. is too good."
Joe:  "Yeah, you should have picked Jeff Daniels."
Me:  "Dumb and Dumber?"
Joe:  "He's better than you think he is."
Me:  "I know.  Hmm...maybe I'll watch Daniels next.  Of course, this means I'll have to watch that movie with Jack Nicholson and Debra Winger."
In Unison:  "Terms of Endearment."
Me:  "Yeah, that movie."
Tom:  "Well, you have to get through Kevin Bacon first.  See you guys later!"
Joe (holding up a paper sack):  "I'm going to go eat this burrito."
Me:  "Pepino's?"
Joe:  "No, Cha Cha Cha's."

On Monday, I received the following text from my brother:  "The problem with Rudy Ray Moore is that he never made a bad picture."

The ground rules for watching all of Kevin Bacon's movies:

1. TV shows do not count;
2. If he's the director but not actually acting in the movie, it doesn't count (Losing Chase); and
3. I have to be able to get all movies from Netflix.  There's no way I'm going to put a real effort into tracking down Balto.

Shirts, Pants and Negligent Parents

Today, Olivia and I went to Birthday Party #1 (tomorrow is Birthday Party #2). Joe, Jess, Tom and Tom's family were there, too. Joe had to leave early because he was scheduled to work at Wild Tamales. After Birthday Party #1, I was hungry and Tom's wife needed to buy some pants for one kid and a Webkins for her other kid so we went to...the mall.

We figured that we should either eat or get coffee first so we headed towards the food court. There was very loud music coming from one of the stores so I asked, "How can they work in there with all of that loud music?" Tom's wife immediately agreed and then we yelled at some kids to pull up their pants and keep off of the grass. Tom said that the store must be the dance party store.

Suddenly, Tom's wife turned to me and said, "Isn't Joe at work right now? We should surprise him at Wild Tamales!" My eyes lit up and then we both squealed like 15 year old girls with 4th row tickets to the New Kids On The Block concert complete with that obnoxious hopping/jumping/hand clapping thing even though we had just told our kids to calm down.

Tom's wife and I lead by example.

We went to Wild Tamales and talked to Joe, who had two minutes left of his break. Mitch and Morris were there but not Merlin. I'm happy to report that I did not see any vomit coming out of Mitch. I also didn't buy any buttons.

After we left Wild Tamales, we got something to eat, found coffee and bought Webkins and pants. As we were walking past the stores, I looked into one of the windows and said, "I like that top." Tom asked, "Why do you call it a top? Why not a shirt?"

If it has buttons down the front, I call it a shirt. If it isn't a button-down, it may be a t-shirt, turtleneck, polo shirt, sweater or tunic. If it doesn't fit into any of those categories, it's a top. I didn't bother 'splaining any of this to Tom because he is a boy. Tom's wife is a girl and therefore did not require any 'splaining. Might as well save my words for more important things such as, "Why are those little girls all by themselves? Where are their parents? That little one is about four years old and the other one isn't a day over six." (Turns out their mom was inside Hallmark and figured the bench in the middle of the mall walkway was a safe place to leave them.)

We passed by the dance party store again on our way out of...the mall. Tom promptly went inside the entrance and danced in a very dorky way. Olivia followed. People stared. Once the dance party was over and we were back on our way, Tom's wife said something about the smoking deal she found on the pants. Tom said, "Don't you mean bottoms?"

Puh-leeze.

This Is Just Nasty

Joe has been working retail for the past few months at...the mall. I've never visited him at work because that would require a trip to...the mall. To protect the identities of everybody involved, the names of the store and other employees have been changed in the following story. Joe and Jess picked the fake names.

Last Monday, Joe arrived at work around 10:45 at Wild Tamales. Mitch was already at work and asked Joe if he could clock in ASAP. Mitch had his hood pulled up over his head and looked brutal so Joe knew that something was up. Joe ditched his stuff in the back, grabbed his name tag and went behind the sales counter. Mitch was ringing up two customers and at the same time, leaned over and grabbed one of those clear plastic bowls that they usually keep pins in. Joe could see some sort of brown gunk in the bottom of the bowl.

Then it happened...

"GLOOORRRFFFFF!!!!!!!"

Mitched puked right into the bowl. Joe couldn't tell for sure if the customers saw Mitch hurl but they probably knew what was going on. After the customers left, Mitch told Joe that he wasn't feeling well and Joe would have to take over the register for the day.

Oh...it should be noted that Joe was not register trained!

Mitch gave Joe a crash course in How To Run The Register At Wild Tamales and barfed in-between sentences. Serious.

"So scan the item.......BLAAAAARGGGG!!! Hit that button..........PLUUURRRRGGGG!!! Enter the cash amount.............AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGLLLLLLEEEEEE!!!"

After the impromptu training course, Mitch said that he had contacted the head manager, Merlin, who would come in after he took his dog to the vet. Mitch then went into the back were he spent the next two hours hunkered over the toilet and retching his brains out. Joe thought to himself, "Well, I really don't know how to run the register but it's Monday morning so it shouldn't be very busy...I'll be okay."

Unfortunately for my brother, that particular Monday was Martin Luther King Day so a lot of schools were closed.

Teenagers started to flood into Wild Tamales. They were running around, asking Joe questions that he didn't know the answers to and buying all sorts of stuff. Joe only knew the basics on running the register so he was doing a crummy job.

Scan item, run card, receipt, hope the register doesn't jam or run out of register tape.

Of course, Mitch didn't show Joe how to erase an item from the register if there was a mistake, how to run the frequent buyer cards or the gift cards, how to get those frigging plastic things off of the Cd's or any of that other stuff. Needless to say, things were hectic.

At 12:50, Joe had a line in front of him and the phone kept ringing. Mitch came out and said that he had to leave but that Merlin would be there soon and how he was really sorry about everything as nobody was expecting the store to be so busy that day. Normally, Joe would have asked him to stay until Merlin showed up but he couldn't have Mitch yakking in front of a store full of customers. However, it is also mandatory for a manager to be present at all times so Joe wasn't sure why Mitch bailed before Merlin showed up.

So there Joe was, flying solo in a consumer sh*t storm. Even though Joe was by himself on the floor earlier, Mitch was in the back so Joe could at least ask questions when needed. Sink or swim, dear brother.

Ten minutes later, the phone rang. It was Merlin.

"Hey, can I speak to Mitch?"

"Nope, he's not here."

"You mean he's in the back?"

"No, he's not here."

(Pause)......."Are you there by yourself?"

"Yep."

"@?*&%$#! Okay, I'll put the dog in the kennel and be right there!"

Joe worked alone for a solid hour before Merlin arrived and Joe told him his sob story. Merlin checked around the store and discovered that none of the pre-opening tasks had been completed. Merlin shook his head.

"I've been here seven years and this has never happened."

Merlin immediately went on a calling spree trying to get other employees to come in and help but...no dice. One person was in Africa, another one was sick, two more were in school, another one was at her other job, yadda yadda. So, Joe had to stay there a few extra hours until everything was figured out.

Joe and Merlin finally got the store under control when Morris, another employee and something of a doof, walked in.

Morris: "Hi guys!"

Merlin: "What are you doing here?"

Morris: "I'm starting my shift."

Merlin: "You're not scheduled today."

Morris: "Huh?"

Merlin: "You're not supposed to be here until Wednesday."

Morris: "Oh.......dang."

Since Joe was shell shocked, Morris took over and Joe went home.

I will NEVER buy a button out of one of those bowls again.

I'm also willing to bet that I would NOT enter the bathroom at Wild Tamales.

Today The Pond...Tomorrow The World!

In 1972, MGM released a horror movie about a crotchety patriarch named Jason Crockett(Ray Milland). Crockett owns an island and the entire Crockett Clan gathers each 4th of July to celebrate the old coot's birthday. Crockett ain't too keen on having critters running amok during the festivities so he does what any self-respecting millionaire would do and poisons them.

A free-lance environmentalist photographer named Pickett Smith just happens to come across Crockett's private island and is the hero of the movie. I believe Pickett arrived by canoe. My guess is to reduce his carbon footprint by leaving his gas-guzzling speedboat at home.

Joe and I absolutely LOVE this movie! For many reasons but first and foremost, Pickett Smith is played by Sam Elliott and anybody who has seen Road House knows that a movie with Sam Elliott is worth a look-see. Of course, Patrick Swayze as Dalton is the real reason to watch Road House but when Sam Elliott's character first shows up to give Dalton some help kicking in the teeth of the local troublemakers, he calls the bar The Double Douche instead of The Double Deuce. That's some fine cinematic writing at work. What's more amazing about Road House is the hair on the three main characters. One would think Kelly Lynch would be the prettiest of them all but this picture proves otherwise. Maybe if she showed off more chest hair in the v-neck of her shirt she'd have a chance but Sam Elliott's v-neck is clearly the winner.

Don't judge me. You know that every time USA runs its Road House marathon, you call up Domino's and plant yourself firmly in front of the telly so you won't miss one moment of not believing Swayze could actually whoop up on any of those fools he bounces out of town.

Anyway, back to Frogs...The frogs are the ringleaders that plot against Crockett and his brood for their anti-nature behavior. The frogs keep us guessing throughout by sending in different creatures each time to kill off the polluting humans. Will it be the lizards? Or the spiders? Or the alligators? How about that turtle? Yes, even a turtle gets a little blood on its shell.

Were Joe and I scared by this movie? Absolutely not! Today, I was in Target with my cousin and his family and the kids pulled a bunch of stuffed frogs that sang and danced down from the shelf and set them all off at the same time. Now THAT was horrifying!

Seriously...just look at these things...they are frightening!

The Lamest Halloween Costume...Ever!

When I was in the 5th grade, I remember looking at patterns at the fabric store with Mom and Joe. Mom held up a Crayola crayon pattern and said, "Leah, what color of crayon do you want to be?"

Me: "Yellow!"

Mom: "Okay. Joe what color of crayon do you want to be?"

Joe: "I want to be a tube of toothpaste!"

Mom bought one pattern, a bunch of yellow felt, a bunch of white felt and a bunch of red felt and used the crayon pattern for both costumes. In case you were wondering, Joe was Colgate. I still think Mom should have made him Aquafresh instead. Fitting nine letters plus the Aquafresh striped swirl on that costume would have been impressive. Colgate = cop out.

Olivia has decided to be an evil queen for Halloween this year. Since Mom made most of the costumes for me and Joe when we were kids, it's important to me to continue the tradition for Olivia (meaning Mom makes Olivia's costumes because I don't know how to sew). We were at the fabric store a few days ago looking for an evil queen pattern and something caught my eye. It was a family of penguins so a family of humans could match for Halloween. Kind of like how on vacation, there tends to be one family wandering about wearing matching green shirts.

I found a pattern of various capes that included a queen. The pattern also included a picture of a kid dressed as a vampire.

Me: "Olivia, you should be a vampire this year. If you're going to be a vampire, this is the year to do it!"

Olivia (with eye roll and disgusted sigh): "Mama, I don't have my two front teeth hell-oo! I would be the lamest vampire...ever!"

Exactly my point.

So...which is the lamest costume ever? Toothless Vampire? Yellow crayon? This guy? Tube of toothpaste? That time Joe made Mom create an Optimus Prime costume for him out of cardboard boxes and colored tape?

It should be mentioned that I don't really consider any of these costumes lame, except for Papa Penguin. I really hope that guy walked away with a giant sack of dirty money for being photographed while skidding on his belly.

The Zoo Is Full Of Useful Information

Olivia and I went to the zoo with Joe, Jess and Tadeuzs. Even though we have been to the zoo many times before, we learned lots of new things today which are listed below in order:

1. Starfish have butts;
2. You should always have a large supply of hot dogs on hand;
3. Hippos gossip;
4. Zebras are lazy;
5. Lizards are stupid (a rock is NOT a comfy pillow...DUH!); and
6. Tigers are cool.

Well, we already knew about the tigers so that's not really "new" information.

pi = 3.14159265 Ala Mode

Once a week, I volunteer in Olivia's classroom for an hour. My assignment: Flash Cards. I agreed to this only because the answer is on the back of each flash card and doesn't require any attempt at doing math in my head.

My brother, Joe, also can't do math in his head. Just ask his 2nd grade teacher, Mrs. Krause, who was a nasty ole' thing and told our mother, "Joe is too stupid to do math." I'd tell you to also ask his Sophomore algebra teacher, Mr. Shockey, but Mr. Shockey would actually have to know who my brother is in order to answer the question. During a Parent/Teacher conference, Mr. Shockey asked our mother, "Are you sure Joe is in my class?"

Joe and I went to really, really good schools. (For the record, we both can do math but it may or may not involve a calculator.)

Anyway...while doing the flash cards, I noticed something and I just have to ask:

Is it normal for a 2nd grade kid to be doing long division?

Because I don't think it's normal.

There are three (possibly four) kids in that class room who are studying long division.

I won't make eye contact with those kids.

All I can remember about the 2nd grade is that I rode a pink Schwinn bicycle and my teacher's name was Mrs. Schwinn. And something about a green hat.

The other day, Olivia told me that she "already knew everything" and, therefore, she "didn't need to go to school" anymore.

"You're in the 2nd grade and you already know everything, do ya? What's pi?"

"Huh? Do you mean chocolate or lemon pie? Are we going to eat some pie, Mama?"

I informed her that she needed some more schoolin' and didn't 'splain any further.

I'm going to ask those three (possibly four) kids in her class for the value of pi the next time I'm there. If I hear anything about the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter, it had better be that Kid C got a bigger slice of pie than Kid D and Kid X doesn't particularly care for pie but really likes vanilla ice cream.