It's All About Me

I'm a young-ish mom to Olivia (on the brink of being old-ish) who looks for humor in most situations but can be overly sarcastic at times.

Thursday, January 31, 2008


I'm not sure but I may have broken my neck.

I heard/felt a big "POP!" and now I can turn my head to the left about 1 inch.

I still think my neck is broken.

My neck is not broken. It's just The Worst Neck Kink...EVER!

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Shirts, Pants and Negligent Parents

Today, Olivia and I went to Birthday Party #1 (tomorrow is Birthday Party #2). Joe, Jess, Tom and Tom's family were there, too. Joe had to leave early because he was scheduled to work at Wild Tamales. After Birthday Party #1, I was hungry and Tom's wife needed to buy some pants for one kid and a Webkins for her other kid so we went to...the mall.

We figured that we should either eat or get coffee first so we headed towards the food court. There was very loud music coming from one of the stores so I asked, "How can they work in there with all of that loud music?" Tom's wife immediately agreed and then we yelled at some kids to pull up their pants and keep off of the grass. Tom said that the store must be the dance party store.

Suddenly, Tom's wife turned to me and said, "Isn't Joe at work right now? We should surprise him at Wild Tamales!" My eyes lit up and then we both squealed like 15 year old girls with 4th row tickets to the New Kids On The Block concert complete with that obnoxious hopping/jumping/hand clapping thing even though we had just told our kids to calm down.

Tom's wife and I lead by example.

We went to Wild Tamales and talked to Joe, who had two minutes left of his break. Mitch and Morris were there but not Merlin. I'm happy to report that I did not see any vomit coming out of Mitch. I also didn't buy any buttons.

After we left Wild Tamales, we got something to eat, found coffee and bought Webkins and pants. As we were walking past the stores, I looked into one of the windows and said, "I like that top." Tom asked, "Why do you call it a top? Why not a shirt?"

If it has buttons down the front, I call it a shirt. If it isn't a button-down, it may be a t-shirt, turtleneck, polo shirt, sweater or tunic. If it doesn't fit into any of those categories, it's a top. I didn't bother 'splaining any of this to Tom because he is a boy. Tom's wife is a girl and therefore did not require any 'splaining. Might as well save my words for more important things such as, "Why are those little girls all by themselves? Where are their parents? That little one is about four years old and the other one isn't a day over six." (Turns out their mom was inside Hallmark and figured the bench in the middle of the mall walkway was a safe place to leave them.)

We passed by the dance party store again on our way out of...the mall. Tom promptly went inside the entrance and danced in a very dorky way. Olivia followed. People stared. Once the dance party was over and we were back on our way, Tom's wife said something about the smoking deal she found on the pants. Tom said, "Don't you mean bottoms?"


Friday, January 25, 2008

This Is Just Nasty

Joe has been working retail for the past few months at...the mall. I've never visited him at work because that would require a trip to...the mall. To protect the identities of everybody involved, the names of the store and other employees have been changed in the following story. Joe and Jess picked the fake names.

Last Monday, Joe arrived at work around 10:45 at Wild Tamales. Mitch was already at work and asked Joe if he could clock in ASAP. Mitch had his hood pulled up over his head and looked brutal so Joe knew that something was up. Joe ditched his stuff in the back, grabbed his name tag and went behind the sales counter. Mitch was ringing up two customers and at the same time, leaned over and grabbed one of those clear plastic bowls that they usually keep pins in. Joe could see some sort of brown gunk in the bottom of the bowl.

Then it happened...


Mitched puked right into the bowl. Joe couldn't tell for sure if the customers saw Mitch hurl but they probably knew what was going on. After the customers left, Mitch told Joe that he wasn't feeling well and Joe would have to take over the register for the day. should be noted that Joe was not register trained!

Mitch gave Joe a crash course in How To Run The Register At Wild Tamales and barfed in-between sentences. Serious.

"So scan the item.......BLAAAAARGGGG!!! Hit that button..........PLUUURRRRGGGG!!! Enter the cash amount.............AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGLLLLLLEEEEEE!!!"

After the impromptu training course, Mitch said that he had contacted the head manager, Merlin, who would come in after he took his dog to the vet. Mitch then went into the back were he spent the next two hours hunkered over the toilet and retching his brains out. Joe thought to himself, "Well, I really don't know how to run the register but it's Monday morning so it shouldn't be very busy...I'll be okay."

Unfortunately for my brother, that particular Monday was Martin Luther King Day so a lot of schools were closed.

Teenagers started to flood into Wild Tamales. They were running around, asking Joe questions that he didn't know the answers to and buying all sorts of stuff. Joe only knew the basics on running the register so he was doing a crummy job.

Scan item, run card, receipt, hope the register doesn't jam or run out of register tape.

Of course, Mitch didn't show Joe how to erase an item from the register if there was a mistake, how to run the frequent buyer cards or the gift cards, how to get those frigging plastic things off of the Cd's or any of that other stuff. Needless to say, things were hectic.

At 12:50, Joe had a line in front of him and the phone kept ringing. Mitch came out and said that he had to leave but that Merlin would be there soon and how he was really sorry about everything as nobody was expecting the store to be so busy that day. Normally, Joe would have asked him to stay until Merlin showed up but he couldn't have Mitch yakking in front of a store full of customers. However, it is also mandatory for a manager to be present at all times so Joe wasn't sure why Mitch bailed before Merlin showed up.

So there Joe was, flying solo in a consumer sh*t storm. Even though Joe was by himself on the floor earlier, Mitch was in the back so Joe could at least ask questions when needed. Sink or swim, dear brother.

Ten minutes later, the phone rang. It was Merlin.

"Hey, can I speak to Mitch?"

"Nope, he's not here."

"You mean he's in the back?"

"No, he's not here."

(Pause)......."Are you there by yourself?"


"@?*&%$#! Okay, I'll put the dog in the kennel and be right there!"

Joe worked alone for a solid hour before Merlin arrived and Joe told him his sob story. Merlin checked around the store and discovered that none of the pre-opening tasks had been completed. Merlin shook his head.

"I've been here seven years and this has never happened."

Merlin immediately went on a calling spree trying to get other employees to come in and help dice. One person was in Africa, another one was sick, two more were in school, another one was at her other job, yadda yadda. So, Joe had to stay there a few extra hours until everything was figured out.

Joe and Merlin finally got the store under control when Morris, another employee and something of a doof, walked in.

Morris: "Hi guys!"

Merlin: "What are you doing here?"

Morris: "I'm starting my shift."

Merlin: "You're not scheduled today."

Morris: "Huh?"

Merlin: "You're not supposed to be here until Wednesday."

Morris: "Oh.......dang."

Since Joe was shell shocked, Morris took over and Joe went home.

I will NEVER buy a button out of one of those bowls again.

I'm also willing to bet that I would NOT enter the bathroom at Wild Tamales.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Frozen Meat

Olivia and I went to Costco the other day with Tom and his family. I bought some meat. So did Tom's wife. In bulk.

Mom gave me a Foodsaver for Christmas so now I can vacuum seal all the pork chops I want and toss them into the freezer. Tom's wife is jealous of my Foodsaver. We will probably have a Foodsaver party in the near future. The only problem is neither Tom's wife nor I have sufficient freezer space...which 'splains why I went online to check out freezers for the garage. I figure that I'll have room for a freezer once the 6 foot tall tool box is out of there.

Anyhoo...I started to read the reviews for the Kenmore 5.0 cu. ft. Manual Defrost Chest Freezer and...well...

"I bought this freezer to separate fish from my main fridge. It does the trick."

When do you think vgirl from Florida was 100% certain that putting fish in the freezer instead of the main fridge would separate the fish from the main fridge? Did she ask the salesperson if it would keep her fish separate from the fridge? And if not, which freezer model offers the separation feature?

"I would most certainly recommend this product to anyone needing an extra freezer for your family. It is the perfect size and holds everything. All my food in it is very cold."

Jenn081697 from Apopka, FL seems surprised that her food is very cold in the freezer.

"I enjoy this product so much, one reason being is the size. I even trust my 7 year old daughter to go in and out of it, I have found it safe for her too do Kenmore Chest is still the best! Get one and Enjoy!"

Landa from Chicago really enjoys her new chest freezer. AND it doubles as a secret fort for Landa, Jr.! Versatile!

Monday, January 21, 2008

The Best Kids' Book...Ever! Gray Reef Shark

Here we have the Gray Reef Shark.
Body - Check.
Snout - Check.
Mouth - Check.
Teeth - Checkaroonie.

Now, let's take a look at what page two has to teach the kiddos.

Lurks around the coral reef...slightly larger than a scuba diver...can-opener for a jaw...

Likes to eat squid, fish, dead things, seabirds and some crabs. Thankfully, humans are not on the menu because this fish has a massive and crippling bite!

This shark is so fierce that it can run off the ferocious tiger shark.

The male chases the female until the gal tires out and is caught. Then, he makes her his baby mama and scars her for life. This guy is a keeper, Ladies!

HATES the paparazzi.

Is obsessive/compulsive.

Ooooh...just one last section to read and then Junior can finish his book report...

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Hello, My Name Is...

I am a strong believer of NOT putting pictures of yourself or your child online. Today, I am going against that belief...sort of...

This is me. I've only had one cup o' java this morning so I'm still a bit persnickety. In a perfect world, I really would be wearing a hoodie and cargo pants but I am at work which means I am dressed more like this...

Isn't it cute how I'm acting like I'm happy about wearing hose and clip-clop shoes? Don't believe my smile; I'm a big faker. My boss isn't traveling so he is in the room right next to me today. I don't want him to think that I have a bad attitude about work. Plus, he arrived at the office before I did this morning which means that he made the coffee so I didn't have to wait for it to drip...drip...drip...drip...which makes me happy-ish.

This is Olivia. She is missing two teeth. I told her that if she would put things away when she was finished, she would be able to find them later but she kept interrupting to tell me that her teeth were stolen from her during the night by a wood sprite. She then tried to dial 9-1-1 to report the theft but I was able to stop her from calling. I do NOT need to 'splain a 9-1-1 call to Officer Not Amused...again.

Or were her teeth stolen by a C.H.U.D.? I can't remember the exact creature but I'm pretty sure it can play the panflute.

Anyway...Olivia is wearing her uniform because she is at school today. I absolutely LOVE the uniforms! Makes getting ready in the morning soooooooooo much easier! No battle over how a tank top and flip-flops are NOT appropriate during the winter months.

Friday is Free Dress Day at school which means Friday morning is going to suck. If Olivia picked out something like this to wear... wouldn't be too bad. Only the flip-flops would need a parental veto. (Note to self: Get Olivia's bangs trimmed on Saturday. She keeps pushing them out of her eyes.)

So, what did we learn here today?

Uniforms/Oppression = Good
Flip-Flops/Individuality = Bad
Answering the door soaking wet and wearing nothing but a towel because there is an officer in uniform ringing the bell and I was in the shower = Bad

Actually, that has potential to be good. When it happens again, I'll let you know. Depends on the uniformed officer, I suppose. Unfortunately, I'll have to turn over two quarters and some sparkly dust as "evidence" which isn't the best way to get a date.

Wait a minute...are uniforms good or bad? Crap.

I'm so confused.

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Go Mitt!

The beauty of Netflix is that you can watch shows from the cable channels without actually subscribing to the cable channels. (You could also do this by purchasing or renting the DVD's but I find Netflix to be more convenient.) An HBO show that I'm hooked on is "Big Love" which is about a family of Mormon polygamists in Utah. The patriarch is played by Bill Paxton (Bill); his First Wife is Jeanne Tripplehorn (Barbara); Second Wife is Chloe Sevigny (Nikki, who steals almost every scene that she's in); Third Wife is Ginnifer Goodwin (Margene).

Harry Dean Stanton plays Roman Grant aka The Prophet. The Prophet also happens to be Nikki's father. Here's the thing about The Prophet; he's kind of like a Mormom mobster. He and his posse drive around in Hummers. Bill and The Prophet have, oh...let's say, a strained relationship. It makes things a bit dangerous.

Also worth noting is the character of Alby (Matt Ross), who is The Prophet's son and quite scary. Bill's parents are Frank and Lois, who do NOT get along. (They are played by Bruce Dern and Grace Zabriskie.) Rhonda Volmer (Daveigh Chase who also played that creepy girl in the well from "The Ring") is a teenager slated to marry The Prophet and I'm fairly sure she is evil.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

My Grocery Shopping Hero!

Courtesy of Tom's wife....

If I weren't already semi-married, I'd TOTALLY enter into a civil union with this gal. Well, depending on the state involved and such. I doubt it's an option in Texas...or Kentucky.

Happy New Year!

I am officially calling 2008 The Year of Leah. I don't know why; call it a hunch.

Please enjoy the following picture of Aeon the Terrible from Rudolph's Shiny New Year which may or may not still be shown on the telly.

New Year's Day was spent with my cousin, Tom (who is mostly to blame for my re-addiction to the Trailblazers...some of the blame can go to my boss, too...he tells me positive feel-good stories about the players and I miss the days of smuggling pot wrapped in a ball of tin foil through airport security because I could ignore the Blazers in those days and focus on more important things such as coffee or ice cream), and Tom's family. Tom's wife prepared a delicious soup for lunch and then we all went bowling. I broke a nail. So did Tom's wife. We blame the bowling balls.

I am a really good bowler.
Olivia's score = 81
Leah's score = 45

I am available as a ringer for your bowling league. Please contact me ASAP if you would like me on your team. I expect high interest in my bowling skills.

New Year's Resolution: Hmm...that's a tough one. I'm going to say to get back on the treadmill on a regular basis. back off of the coffee a wee bit.

Okay, I'm totally lying about the coffee. I'll probably increase my intake. I'll do anything I can to stain my teeth a disgusting shade of Burnt Sienna.