It's All About Me

I'm a young-ish mom to Olivia (on the brink of being old-ish) who looks for humor in most situations but can be overly sarcastic at times.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

What's Wrong With Squirrels These Days?

I'm very concerned about the future of squirrels. They haven't been following the rules and that's going to get them squished.

This morning as I drove to Olivia's school, I had to swerve to avoid running over a squirrel. A few minutes later as I drove to work, I had to swerve to avoid running over a squirrel. A few minutes later when I was almost to work, a squirrel darted out before I could swerve and went underneath the car. I reluctantly checked the rearview mirror but didn't see any squirrel carnage.

A couple of hours later, I left work, got into the car and headed to the doctor. I had to swerve to avoid running over a squirrel. Two hours later, I was driving back to work from the doctor and I had to swerve to avoid running over a squirrel. This was slightly difficult because my left arm was very sore from the tetanus shot and my left arm is my swerving arm. I pulled into a drive-thru coffee hut to medicate myself as all of this squirrel swerving was making my nerves jittery. A few minutes later, I was driving to back to work with my triple venti latte and I had to swerve to avoid running over a squirrel.

I don't think it was the same squirrel.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Mom Needs To Wear Her Glasses

Mom is remodeling her house. It has been a very long process. Olivia and I drove over to see how things were progressing. The good news: She finally found a contractor to install the outdoor siding. The garage is looking good! The bad news: She no longer finds a front door necessary so she boarded it up and took out the front porch.

Once Olivia and I found a way inside (let's hope she doesn't cover up the back door, too), Olivia made her usual request: "Gloppy (don't ask...Gary and I have NO IDEA where she came up with Gloppy), draw a picture of me." After giving Mom a pencil and some paper, Olivia struck a ballerina pose. Mom drew Ballerina Olivia and handed the paper over for inspection. After one glance, Olivia said with slight exasperation, "Gloppy, you need your glasses." Mom was then presented with her glasses and a clean piece of paper. Again, Olivia went into her ballerina stance so Mom With Glasses could draw a more accurate/acceptable picture.

I picked up the vision-impaired drawing for a closer look and saw what Olivia was concerned about. Check out the hands above her head. Check out her arms. Does one hand have only four digits? Is one of her elbows extra large? What's up with that one wrist? The last time I checked, Olivia had human hands, arms and wrists.

If Mom wore her glasses more often, perhaps she would realize that her new plywood "door" is secured to the wall by nails instead of hinges.

The Zoo Is Full Of Useful Information

Olivia and I went to the zoo with Joe, Jess and Tadeuzs. Even though we have been to the zoo many times before, we learned lots of new things today which are listed below in order:

1. Starfish have butts;
2. You should always have a large supply of hot dogs on hand;
3. Hippos gossip;
4. Zebras are lazy;
5. Lizards are stupid (a rock is NOT a comfy pillow...DUH!); and
6. Tigers are cool.

Well, we already knew about the tigers so that's not really "new" information.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

pi = 3.14159265 Ala Mode

Once a week, I volunteer in Olivia's classroom for an hour. My assignment: Flash Cards. I agreed to this only because the answer is on the back of each flash card and doesn't require any attempt at doing math in my head.

My brother, Joe, also can't do math in his head. Just ask his 2nd grade teacher, Mrs. Krause, who was a nasty ole' thing and told our mother, "Joe is too stupid to do math." I'd tell you to also ask his Sophomore algebra teacher, Mr. Shockey, but Mr. Shockey would actually have to know who my brother is in order to answer the question. During a Parent/Teacher conference, Mr. Shockey asked our mother, "Are you sure Joe is in my class?"

Joe and I went to really, really good schools. (For the record, we both can do math but it may or may not involve a calculator.)

Anyway...while doing the flash cards, I noticed something and I just have to ask:

Is it normal for a 2nd grade kid to be doing long division?

Because I don't think it's normal.

There are three (possibly four) kids in that class room who are studying long division.

I won't make eye contact with those kids.

All I can remember about the 2nd grade is that I rode a pink Schwinn bicycle and my teacher's name was Mrs. Schwinn. And something about a green hat.

The other day, Olivia told me that she "already knew everything" and, therefore, she "didn't need to go to school" anymore.

"You're in the 2nd grade and you already know everything, do ya? What's pi?"

"Huh? Do you mean chocolate or lemon pie? Are we going to eat some pie, Mama?"

I informed her that she needed some more schoolin' and didn't 'splain any further.

I'm going to ask those three (possibly four) kids in her class for the value of pi the next time I'm there. If I hear anything about the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter, it had better be that Kid C got a bigger slice of pie than Kid D and Kid X doesn't particularly care for pie but really likes vanilla ice cream.