My Hero, Kevin Bacon

Movie #1:  Animal House

If I was a young actor, I'd be pretty happy to be involved in something like this as my first movie so Kevin Bacon has nothing to complain about.  Not only that, he was an actual character (Chip Diller) instead of an unnamed extra, in many scenes (including the first scene) and had several lines.  He's also involved in the pivotal "switching of the exam answers" plotline...not too shabby, Mr. Bacon.

Movie #2:  Starting Over

Not available on Netflix so I don't have to watch it per my clearly stated rules in my previous post.

Movie #3:  Hero at Large

What is Hero at Large, you ask?  Well, let me tell you.  John Ritter stars as an actor who foils a robbery while wearing the Captain Avenger costume from his movie theater premier gig.  Word gets out that Captain Avenger is standing up for what is right in the city and the search is on to find out just who Captain Avenger really is.  Anne Archer is his crush from the apartment across the hall and Burt Convy is a hairy PR agent who tries to use Captain Avenger to save the mayor in the upcoming election.  Ritter gets evicted by a borderline creepy landlady, remains cheerful (even though he can't get into his apartment to feed his fish ) and bunks with Archer for a couple of days.  It's completely ridiculous.

As for Kevin Bacon in Hero at Large, he is billed as Teenager #2 and nowhere near the top of the cast list.  His one and only scene is within the first 15 minutes:  Ritter, dressed as Captain Avenger, is at a movie theater and Bacon swaggers up in all of his jean jacket glory and harasses him in front of his punk-ass friends.  If you're able to tear your eyes away from Ritter's safety glasses, Kevin is behind the punk-ass in the red jacket to the right in the picture below:

If that isn't enough to convince you to put Hero at Large at the very tippy-top of your Netflix queue as I recently did, take a look at this:

It's just like The Greatest American Hero only without the fantastic theme song.  Damn, I'm suddenly thirsty for a Coke, but I digress.

I'm not saying that you should watch this movie but I'm not saying you shouldn't, either.  My favorite scene was definitely Kevin's scene so this is a good example of how a movie can be better with Bacon.  Apparently, Netflix agrees because in their movie description on the envelope they make a point to say, "...and Kevin Bacon, in an early role, makes a very brief appearance."  It's not every day you see Netflix bringing special attention to the role of Teenager #2.

Also worth mentioning:  The DVD came out of the Netflix envelope completely scratch-free and pristine.  You won't have any of those frustrating skipping moments to ruin your movie watching experience with Hero at Large.

I'm Sure I Won't Regret This Decision One Little Bit

On Saturday, my brother drove Mom home and I rode along.  About half-way there, I piped up from the back seat, "So, I've decided to watch every single Kevin Bacon movie from oldest to newest."  (Anybody who knows me will realize that something of this magnitude must be randomly announced.)  Joe immediately replied, "I don't think you thought this all of the way through."

Me:  "It makes perfect sense.  I was watching Mystic River the other day and realized that Bacon was actually pretty decent."
Joe (in sing-song):  "You're going to have to watch some reaaaaally bad moooovies!"
Me:  "I'm perfectly aware that I'll have to watch Tom Cruise, Jennifer Aniston and Reba along the way but, that's the point...to find out when, exactly, Kevin Bacon made the turn from being cheese-ball to being not bad.  Was it JFK?"
Joe (in sing-song):  "You're going to have to watch Wiiiild Things...and he misses his mark in the showwwwerrr!"
Me:  "I'm perfectly aware that you can see Kevin's bacon in Wild Things."
Mom:  "I didn't know he was in Where the Wild Things Are."
In Unison:  "He's not.  Different movie."
Mom:  "There are two movies about the wild things?"
Joe:  "No.  I want to see Where the Wild Things Are and do not want to see Wild Things ever again."
Mom:  "What is Wild Things?"
Joe:  "A really bad movie with that Sasquatch girl."
Me:  "She makes out with another girl in a swimming pool.  And, yeah, she's pretty hairy.  I'd hate to see her waxing bill."
Joe:  "I can guarantee some guy shows up daily with hedge trimmers just to keep her maintained.  What's his first movie?"
Me:  "Animal House so at least the first movie I'll have to watch isn't terrible.  Unfortunately, he made Friday the 13th shortly thereafter and I'm not excited about watching that one.  I've been very happy to get this far in life without seeing Friday the 13th."
Joe:  "He gets an arrow through his Adam's Apple."
Me:  "Dammit, Joe!  Way to ruin the movie for me!"
Joe:  "Sheesh...okay okay!  All I'm saying is, you picked the wrong actor.  And Reba isn't in the movie for that long but who cares about Reba, anyway?  Michael Gross is grrrrreat!"

On Sunday, I met my buddy for a beer because that's what we do on Sunday.  I told John about my Kevin Bacon-thon and that Joe thought I picked the wrong guy because I'd have to watch Wild Things.

John:  "I've never watched Wild Things.  What is it about?"
Me:  "Don't watch it.  It's bad.  That hairy girl who married Charlie Sheen makes out with Neve Campell in a swimming pool and Bill Murray runs around wearing a fake neck brace to win a lawsuit or something."
John:  "Bill Murray!  That reminds me of Caddyshack!  I should watch Caddyshack."
Me:  "I've never watched Caddyshack."
John:  "What?  Leah, you've never watched Caddyshack?  Oh, you've got to watch Caddyshack."
Me:  "I don't want to watch Caddyshack.  It doesn't seem funny to me."
John:  "Caddyshack isn't supposed to be funny...that's the point.  It's all about how Rodney Dangerfield gets away with saying things."
Me:  "I can't stand it when people quote Caddyshack."
John:  "Which actor does your brother want you to pick?"
Me:  "I have no idea.  I'll text him and find out."
John:  "I can't believe you don't want to watch Caddyshack.  It has Chevy Chase."
Me:  "I know it has Chevy Chase."
John:  "What did your bro say?"
Me (checking phone):  "He hasn't gotten back to me yet.  He must be ignoring me.  I hate it when he ignores me."
John:  "I think you should watch all of Rudy Ray Moore's movies next."
Me:  "Hang on...I'm texting Joe that you think I should watch Rudy Ray Moore's movies."
John (laughing):  "Everybody should watch all of Rudy Ray Moore's movies!"
Me:  "It doesn't get any better than Dolemite.  Hang on...I'm texting Joe to see if Robert Downey, Jr. would be a better choice."
John:  "I'll make you a deal:  If you watch Caddyshack, I'll watch Wild Things."
Me:  "I don't remember saying that you had to watch Wild Things but, okay."

We shook hands and went our separate ways.  I'm still not sure why I agreed to watch Caddyshack when I specifically told John not to watch Wild Things but I was annoyed with Joe for ignoring my texts and, therefore, wasn't paying very close attention to the situation so it got away from me.  20 minutes later, I was walking up the sidewalk towards the house and found Joe standing out front watching our cousin spray debris from his driveway.

Joe:  "Hey."
Me:  "You didn't text me back."
Joe (digging phone from pocket):  "You texted me? Yep...you did.  Not Robert Downey, Jr....he's too good."
Me:  "Yeah, that's probably true.  What are you doing?"
Joe (pointing at our cousin):  "Tom has a hose."
Tom:  "Robert Downey, Jr. for what?"
Me:  "Joe doesn't think Kevin Bacon is a good choice so I asked him if Robert Downey, Jr. was better."
Tom:  "Kevin Bacon is a brilliant choice!  He's in tons of movies and has been around for 30 years.  Who else has been so mediocre for so long?"
Joe (in sing-song):  "She's going to have to watch Wiiiild Things!  And Baaalllto!"
Me:  "Joe can't get over Wild Things.  Balto doesn't count because it's not available on Netflix.  He also hasn't told me who he thinks I should have picked since he thinks Bacon is such a bad choice."
Tom:  "Robert Downey, Jr. is too good."
Joe:  "Yeah, you should have picked Jeff Daniels."
Me:  "Dumb and Dumber?"
Joe:  "He's better than you think he is."
Me:  "I know.  Hmm...maybe I'll watch Daniels next.  Of course, this means I'll have to watch that movie with Jack Nicholson and Debra Winger."
In Unison:  "Terms of Endearment."
Me:  "Yeah, that movie."
Tom:  "Well, you have to get through Kevin Bacon first.  See you guys later!"
Joe (holding up a paper sack):  "I'm going to go eat this burrito."
Me:  "Pepino's?"
Joe:  "No, Cha Cha Cha's."

On Monday, I received the following text from my brother:  "The problem with Rudy Ray Moore is that he never made a bad picture."

The ground rules for watching all of Kevin Bacon's movies:

1. TV shows do not count;
2. If he's the director but not actually acting in the movie, it doesn't count (Losing Chase); and
3. I have to be able to get all movies from Netflix.  There's no way I'm going to put a real effort into tracking down Balto.

Greg Sestero aka Oh hi, Mark

My latest obsession but not because he is haaaaawt. He is simply a major player in "The Room" aka "The Worst Movie Ever Made".

http://www.modelmayhem.com/307141

It will take a good month and three-quarters before I'm over this one.

...With the Passion of Tennessee Williams

My friend, Morgan, introduced me to "The Room" aka "The Worst Movie Ever Made". I can't get this gem out of my head.




Thanks, Morgan. (said with a mix of sarcasm and gratitude)

Here are two unforgettable scenes...enjoy!

I did naaaawt.



That's me.

On A Scale From One To Ten...

...I rate those a Russell Crowe.

Let's say that you and I are at the mall, you try on a pair of jeans and ask for my opinion. Even though they are the latest style and most people are wearing them, they're not very flattering and I think the brand is overrated so I say, "Meh...about a four."

Of course, anything less than an eight is unacceptable so you pass on the jeans and we mosey on down to the food court for a Jamba Juice.

In real life, this situation probably wouldn't happen for two reasons: my strong aversion to the mall and the fact that I do not rate via the 1 to 10 scale system anymore. I have created my own rating system...The Man Scale. A celebrity represents a number from 1 to 10. Instead of rating those jeans a four, I would have said, "Meh...about a Russell Crowe" because I find Crowe less-than-average in the looks department and just a wee bit overrated.

Pretty stupid, huh?

When Gladiator came out, one of my friends kept telling me to watch it because Russell was half-nekkid most of the time. This did not entice me to watch the movie because when I think of Russell Crowe, I immediately think of Sloth from The Goonies. I think they are the same except one is less pirate-y.

Here is The Man Scale that I use:

1 = Carrot Top (Shudder)

2 = Ric Ocasek (Eat a sandwich already)

3 = Steve Buscemi

4 = Russell Crowe

5 = John Cusack (Solid average)

6 = Edward Norton

7 = Chris Isaak (He dresses up in concert)

8 = Christian Bale

9 = Dennis Quaid/Steve McQueen

10 = Paul Newman, Paul Newman, Paul Newman and Paul Newman

I highly recommend the movie Slap Shot but be warned of the foul language. Newman's wardrobe in the movie is incredible.

Today The Pond...Tomorrow The World!

In 1972, MGM released a horror movie about a crotchety patriarch named Jason Crockett(Ray Milland). Crockett owns an island and the entire Crockett Clan gathers each 4th of July to celebrate the old coot's birthday. Crockett ain't too keen on having critters running amok during the festivities so he does what any self-respecting millionaire would do and poisons them.

A free-lance environmentalist photographer named Pickett Smith just happens to come across Crockett's private island and is the hero of the movie. I believe Pickett arrived by canoe. My guess is to reduce his carbon footprint by leaving his gas-guzzling speedboat at home.

Joe and I absolutely LOVE this movie! For many reasons but first and foremost, Pickett Smith is played by Sam Elliott and anybody who has seen Road House knows that a movie with Sam Elliott is worth a look-see. Of course, Patrick Swayze as Dalton is the real reason to watch Road House but when Sam Elliott's character first shows up to give Dalton some help kicking in the teeth of the local troublemakers, he calls the bar The Double Douche instead of The Double Deuce. That's some fine cinematic writing at work. What's more amazing about Road House is the hair on the three main characters. One would think Kelly Lynch would be the prettiest of them all but this picture proves otherwise. Maybe if she showed off more chest hair in the v-neck of her shirt she'd have a chance but Sam Elliott's v-neck is clearly the winner.

Don't judge me. You know that every time USA runs its Road House marathon, you call up Domino's and plant yourself firmly in front of the telly so you won't miss one moment of not believing Swayze could actually whoop up on any of those fools he bounces out of town.

Anyway, back to Frogs...The frogs are the ringleaders that plot against Crockett and his brood for their anti-nature behavior. The frogs keep us guessing throughout by sending in different creatures each time to kill off the polluting humans. Will it be the lizards? Or the spiders? Or the alligators? How about that turtle? Yes, even a turtle gets a little blood on its shell.

Were Joe and I scared by this movie? Absolutely not! Today, I was in Target with my cousin and his family and the kids pulled a bunch of stuffed frogs that sang and danced down from the shelf and set them all off at the same time. Now THAT was horrifying!

Seriously...just look at these things...they are frightening!

Transformers, Excessive Heat and Chachi

This morning at 6:15, Dave Salesky warned of scorching heat for the next two days as I finished my cereal and asked my daughter to brush her teeth. I found the weather report to be ironic since just two days prior, I had turned on the A/C in the car and boiling air blasted into my face instead of a cool breeze. At 6:30, I cleaned up the dishes, turned off the telly and made another request for all small people in the house to practice oral hygiene immediately or I was going to count to three. Apparently, the idea of me counting out-loud is terrifying because that child and her pearly whites were ready to go at 6:32 and hi-ho hi-ho, it's off to day camp/drop the car off at the dealership because I'm not trying to have sweaty pits/work we go.

At work, my friend (Mark from Seattle) googled that he had seen Transformers and it was BADASS and that I might be interested to hear that Josh Duhamel was in the movie. I replied something along the lines of "Is that the guy who is on the show 'Vegas' with James Caan? Eh..." to which Mark responded, "Well, it also has giant fighting robots that change into cars, trucks and planes...THAT'S why it's so good!" I asked if Megatron transformed into a gun or if they changed him into something else. Mark said that Megatron turned into a jet but Optimus Prime was still a semi-truck. I then deemed the movie lame-o and stated I wouldn't watch it because Megatron is the leader of the Decepticons and a major character and when the Transformers first came onto the scene in the 80's, he was a revolver so it's wrong for the movie-making-people to switch him into a jet.

(Now, in the real world, I don't care a flying fig what Megatron transforms into. He could change from evil robot leader into a too-ripe banana and I wouldn't bat an eye. If Mr. Movie Maker wants to put an existing story/idea onto the big screen, the core characters need to remain intact or everything falls apart...that's my point. Don't believe me? Take a moment to think of Indiana Jones running from the giant rolling boulder in "Raiders of the Lost Ark"...intense, right? Let's say Joel Schumacher filmed a remake of "Raiders" and he replaced the boulder with the Kool-Aid Guy (it could happen...Jim Carrey as The Riddler was one of the least scary villains ever). Even though Indiana would certainly be crushed to death by either, the Kool-Aid Guy just doesn't have the same feel...entirely different movie. You could get your admission back from the theater over something like that.)

Anyway, Mark then said that I probably wanted to marry Optimus Prime when I was kid. Of course, I did NOT want to marry OP but I did have a crush on Alex P. Keaton. Not so much Michael J. Fox...just APK...and I never really understood what Joanie possibly saw in Chachi. Or Scott Baio.

Mark informed me that Baio has a reputation for hooking up with hot or semi-hot actresses (especially during "Happy Days" & "Joanie Loves Chachi"). I asked him if Marion Ross had sniffed around Baio's cage and Mark said that he didn't think so. That was a relief because remember how creepy it was when we found out that Mrs. Brady dated Greg Brady in real life? Same sort of thing, except Mrs. Cunningham wasn't related to Chachi.

Here's where it starts to get weird.

After work, I collected my daughter and drove home in a loaner car because my car was still at the dealership. We had dinner and turned on the news which reported a high temp of 102 degrees...nasty. Normally after the news, I watch a movie but my mailbox didn't have any Netflix so I sat at the table and worked on my computer. I'm not sure why I didn't turn off the TV but "Extra" or "Access Hollywood" or "Whatever" apparently comes on after the news and was droning in the background. I wasn't paying attention to the blonde chatty chat chat until I heard, "...and when we come back from the break, Scott Baio turns 45 and talks about his happy days with the ladies before Joanie loved Chachi."

!!!!!!

It's not like Scott Baio is currently on a show or in a movie or at all relevent so the mere fact that he was mentioned in my google with Mark and mentioned on TV the very same day is a bit odd. THEN...add in how Mark said that SB caught all of the tail back in the day, which is exactly what the blonde lady promised to report on next, and we are suddenly having a Twilight Zone moment.

Is this some sort of sign? If so, what kind of sign might that be? Because it worries me...A LOT! The last thing I want (well, maybe not the absolute 'last' thing but definitely waaaay down at the bottom of the Things I Want list) is to find out that Mark and I are destined to become the leaders of some sicko SB/Chachi worshipping cult so we end up quitting our jobs to travel the country in a Winnebago, spreading the word that Charles is in charge of our days and our nights.

I do believe the government would step in and take my daughter to live with her new mommy in Scottsdale, AZ. She'd probably get a pony, too.

OOOOOH...back from commercial. Scotty Boy got with Heather Locklear, Pam Anderson, Brooke Shields (was she drugged?), Erika Eleniak, Nicollette Sheridan...other gals but I didn't catch the names because I was trying process Brooke Shields. What was she thinking? Were her bushy eyebrows obstructing her view and she thought SB was actually JFK, Jr.? Poor gal...imagine her shock and horror once she busted out the tweezers to find Scott peering back at her instead of John John.