Today The Pond...Tomorrow The World!

In 1972, MGM released a horror movie about a crotchety patriarch named Jason Crockett(Ray Milland). Crockett owns an island and the entire Crockett Clan gathers each 4th of July to celebrate the old coot's birthday. Crockett ain't too keen on having critters running amok during the festivities so he does what any self-respecting millionaire would do and poisons them.

A free-lance environmentalist photographer named Pickett Smith just happens to come across Crockett's private island and is the hero of the movie. I believe Pickett arrived by canoe. My guess is to reduce his carbon footprint by leaving his gas-guzzling speedboat at home.

Joe and I absolutely LOVE this movie! For many reasons but first and foremost, Pickett Smith is played by Sam Elliott and anybody who has seen Road House knows that a movie with Sam Elliott is worth a look-see. Of course, Patrick Swayze as Dalton is the real reason to watch Road House but when Sam Elliott's character first shows up to give Dalton some help kicking in the teeth of the local troublemakers, he calls the bar The Double Douche instead of The Double Deuce. That's some fine cinematic writing at work. What's more amazing about Road House is the hair on the three main characters. One would think Kelly Lynch would be the prettiest of them all but this picture proves otherwise. Maybe if she showed off more chest hair in the v-neck of her shirt she'd have a chance but Sam Elliott's v-neck is clearly the winner.

Don't judge me. You know that every time USA runs its Road House marathon, you call up Domino's and plant yourself firmly in front of the telly so you won't miss one moment of not believing Swayze could actually whoop up on any of those fools he bounces out of town.

Anyway, back to Frogs...The frogs are the ringleaders that plot against Crockett and his brood for their anti-nature behavior. The frogs keep us guessing throughout by sending in different creatures each time to kill off the polluting humans. Will it be the lizards? Or the spiders? Or the alligators? How about that turtle? Yes, even a turtle gets a little blood on its shell.

Were Joe and I scared by this movie? Absolutely not! Today, I was in Target with my cousin and his family and the kids pulled a bunch of stuffed frogs that sang and danced down from the shelf and set them all off at the same time. Now THAT was horrifying!

Seriously...just look at these things...they are frightening!

12 Days

12 days ago, I mentioned something about the tree in my office. Well, now it is officially leaf free. The bad news is that the ugly file cabinet is in full view. The good news is that I can now see the bottom of the calendar on the wall so I'll remember when it is Thanksgiving and Christmas. I'd probably forget otherwise.

The same co-worker that thought it was a fishing pole 12 days ago stuck her head into my door and said, "Oh...now it looks like a bony hand."

Once the branches fall off, I'm going to stick them into a tall vase filled with fragrant liquid and pass it off as a room freshener. I bought something similar from Pier One and set it on the ugly file cabinet. My version will be better because it will be bigger and everybody knows that bigger is better.

I'd better get over to Pier One and buy a tall glass vase.

The Lamest Halloween Costume...Ever!

When I was in the 5th grade, I remember looking at patterns at the fabric store with Mom and Joe. Mom held up a Crayola crayon pattern and said, "Leah, what color of crayon do you want to be?"

Me: "Yellow!"

Mom: "Okay. Joe what color of crayon do you want to be?"

Joe: "I want to be a tube of toothpaste!"

Mom bought one pattern, a bunch of yellow felt, a bunch of white felt and a bunch of red felt and used the crayon pattern for both costumes. In case you were wondering, Joe was Colgate. I still think Mom should have made him Aquafresh instead. Fitting nine letters plus the Aquafresh striped swirl on that costume would have been impressive. Colgate = cop out.

Olivia has decided to be an evil queen for Halloween this year. Since Mom made most of the costumes for me and Joe when we were kids, it's important to me to continue the tradition for Olivia (meaning Mom makes Olivia's costumes because I don't know how to sew). We were at the fabric store a few days ago looking for an evil queen pattern and something caught my eye. It was a family of penguins so a family of humans could match for Halloween. Kind of like how on vacation, there tends to be one family wandering about wearing matching green shirts.

I found a pattern of various capes that included a queen. The pattern also included a picture of a kid dressed as a vampire.

Me: "Olivia, you should be a vampire this year. If you're going to be a vampire, this is the year to do it!"

Olivia (with eye roll and disgusted sigh): "Mama, I don't have my two front teeth hell-oo! I would be the lamest vampire...ever!"

Exactly my point.

So...which is the lamest costume ever? Toothless Vampire? Yellow crayon? This guy? Tube of toothpaste? That time Joe made Mom create an Optimus Prime costume for him out of cardboard boxes and colored tape?

It should be mentioned that I don't really consider any of these costumes lame, except for Papa Penguin. I really hope that guy walked away with a giant sack of dirty money for being photographed while skidding on his belly.

Dancing With The Chachi

Have any of you wondered why Scott Baio is a judge on "Dancing With The Stars"? I didn't realize Scott had jazz hands and high kicks in his background.

I know...I know...Bruno Tonioli is the real judge and not Baio but in my mind, they are one and the same. It's more fun for me that way.

Judge Baioli is a flamboyant teen heart-throb from back in the day and says things such as:

"The tango is strong and sensual! It started off very sexy and powerful but somewhere towards the middle, Charles was no longer in charge! Five!"

And:

"I was so mesmerized by your slow-slow-quick-quick-slow footwork that it lulled me into a saucy wonderland where everybody dances the Cha-Cha-Chachi! Nine!"

If I concentrate on Judge Baioli, then maybe I'll forget about Mark Cuban's butt-scar from his hip replacement surgery.

Can I Water Your Plants While You're On Vacation?

Two months ago, I bought a tree for my office. It was a nice bushy tree with lots of leaves and distracted the eye away from the ugly file cabinet.

I took a picture of the tree today because it doesn't look like the same tree. It still distracts the eye away from the ugly file cabinet but for very different reasons.

Let's take a closer look, shall we?

A co-worker walked by this morning, popped her head in my door and said, "Oh...I thought that was a fishing pole."

I give it less than a month before it's completely leaf-free.