It's All About Me

I'm a young-ish mom to Olivia (on the brink of being old-ish) who looks for humor in most situations but can be overly sarcastic at times.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

I'm Sure I Won't Regret This Decision One Little Bit

On Saturday, my brother drove Mom home and I rode along.  About half-way there, I piped up from the back seat, "So, I've decided to watch every single Kevin Bacon movie from oldest to newest."  (Anybody who knows me will realize that something of this magnitude must be randomly announced.)  Joe immediately replied, "I don't think you thought this all of the way through."

Me:  "It makes perfect sense.  I was watching Mystic River the other day and realized that Bacon was actually pretty decent."
Joe (in sing-song):  "You're going to have to watch some reaaaaally bad moooovies!"
Me:  "I'm perfectly aware that I'll have to watch Tom Cruise, Jennifer Aniston and Reba along the way but, that's the find out when, exactly, Kevin Bacon made the turn from being cheese-ball to being not bad.  Was it JFK?"
Joe (in sing-song):  "You're going to have to watch Wiiiild Things...and he misses his mark in the showwwwerrr!"
Me:  "I'm perfectly aware that you can see Kevin's bacon in Wild Things."
Mom:  "I didn't know he was in Where the Wild Things Are."
In Unison:  "He's not.  Different movie."
Mom:  "There are two movies about the wild things?"
Joe:  "No.  I want to see Where the Wild Things Are and do not want to see Wild Things ever again."
Mom:  "What is Wild Things?"
Joe:  "A really bad movie with that Sasquatch girl."
Me:  "She makes out with another girl in a swimming pool.  And, yeah, she's pretty hairy.  I'd hate to see her waxing bill."
Joe:  "I can guarantee some guy shows up daily with hedge trimmers just to keep her maintained.  What's his first movie?"
Me:  "Animal House so at least the first movie I'll have to watch isn't terrible.  Unfortunately, he made Friday the 13th shortly thereafter and I'm not excited about watching that one.  I've been very happy to get this far in life without seeing Friday the 13th."
Joe:  "He gets an arrow through his Adam's Apple."
Me:  "Dammit, Joe!  Way to ruin the movie for me!"
Joe:  "Sheesh...okay okay!  All I'm saying is, you picked the wrong actor.  And Reba isn't in the movie for that long but who cares about Reba, anyway?  Michael Gross is grrrrreat!"

On Sunday, I met my buddy for a beer because that's what we do on Sunday.  I told John about my Kevin Bacon-thon and that Joe thought I picked the wrong guy because I'd have to watch Wild Things.

John:  "I've never watched Wild Things.  What is it about?"
Me:  "Don't watch it.  It's bad.  That hairy girl who married Charlie Sheen makes out with Neve Campell in a swimming pool and Bill Murray runs around wearing a fake neck brace to win a lawsuit or something."
John:  "Bill Murray!  That reminds me of Caddyshack!  I should watch Caddyshack."
Me:  "I've never watched Caddyshack."
John:  "What?  Leah, you've never watched Caddyshack?  Oh, you've got to watch Caddyshack."
Me:  "I don't want to watch Caddyshack.  It doesn't seem funny to me."
John:  "Caddyshack isn't supposed to be funny...that's the point.  It's all about how Rodney Dangerfield gets away with saying things."
Me:  "I can't stand it when people quote Caddyshack."
John:  "Which actor does your brother want you to pick?"
Me:  "I have no idea.  I'll text him and find out."
John:  "I can't believe you don't want to watch Caddyshack.  It has Chevy Chase."
Me:  "I know it has Chevy Chase."
John:  "What did your bro say?"
Me (checking phone):  "He hasn't gotten back to me yet.  He must be ignoring me.  I hate it when he ignores me."
John:  "I think you should watch all of Rudy Ray Moore's movies next."
Me:  "Hang on...I'm texting Joe that you think I should watch Rudy Ray Moore's movies."
John (laughing):  "Everybody should watch all of Rudy Ray Moore's movies!"
Me:  "It doesn't get any better than Dolemite.  Hang on...I'm texting Joe to see if Robert Downey, Jr. would be a better choice."
John:  "I'll make you a deal:  If you watch Caddyshack, I'll watch Wild Things."
Me:  "I don't remember saying that you had to watch Wild Things but, okay."

We shook hands and went our separate ways.  I'm still not sure why I agreed to watch Caddyshack when I specifically told John not to watch Wild Things but I was annoyed with Joe for ignoring my texts and, therefore, wasn't paying very close attention to the situation so it got away from me.  20 minutes later, I was walking up the sidewalk towards the house and found Joe standing out front watching our cousin spray debris from his driveway.

Joe:  "Hey."
Me:  "You didn't text me back."
Joe (digging phone from pocket):  "You texted me? did.  Not Robert Downey, Jr....he's too good."
Me:  "Yeah, that's probably true.  What are you doing?"
Joe (pointing at our cousin):  "Tom has a hose."
Tom:  "Robert Downey, Jr. for what?"
Me:  "Joe doesn't think Kevin Bacon is a good choice so I asked him if Robert Downey, Jr. was better."
Tom:  "Kevin Bacon is a brilliant choice!  He's in tons of movies and has been around for 30 years.  Who else has been so mediocre for so long?"
Joe (in sing-song):  "She's going to have to watch Wiiiild Things!  And Baaalllto!"
Me:  "Joe can't get over Wild ThingsBalto doesn't count because it's not available on Netflix.  He also hasn't told me who he thinks I should have picked since he thinks Bacon is such a bad choice."
Tom:  "Robert Downey, Jr. is too good."
Joe:  "Yeah, you should have picked Jeff Daniels."
Me:  "Dumb and Dumber?"
Joe:  "He's better than you think he is."
Me:  "I know.  Hmm...maybe I'll watch Daniels next.  Of course, this means I'll have to watch that movie with Jack Nicholson and Debra Winger."
In Unison:  "Terms of Endearment."
Me:  "Yeah, that movie."
Tom:  "Well, you have to get through Kevin Bacon first.  See you guys later!"
Joe (holding up a paper sack):  "I'm going to go eat this burrito."
Me:  "Pepino's?"
Joe:  "No, Cha Cha Cha's."

On Monday, I received the following text from my brother:  "The problem with Rudy Ray Moore is that he never made a bad picture."

The ground rules for watching all of Kevin Bacon's movies:
  1. TV shows do not count;
  2. If he's the director but not actually acting in the movie, it doesn't count (Losing Chase); and
  3. I have to be able to get all movies from Netflix.  There's no way I'm going to put a real effort into tracking down Balto.