This Is Just Nasty

Joe has been working retail for the past few months at...the mall. I've never visited him at work because that would require a trip to...the mall. To protect the identities of everybody involved, the names of the store and other employees have been changed in the following story. Joe and Jess picked the fake names.

Last Monday, Joe arrived at work around 10:45 at Wild Tamales. Mitch was already at work and asked Joe if he could clock in ASAP. Mitch had his hood pulled up over his head and looked brutal so Joe knew that something was up. Joe ditched his stuff in the back, grabbed his name tag and went behind the sales counter. Mitch was ringing up two customers and at the same time, leaned over and grabbed one of those clear plastic bowls that they usually keep pins in. Joe could see some sort of brown gunk in the bottom of the bowl.

Then it happened...

"GLOOORRRFFFFF!!!!!!!"

Mitched puked right into the bowl. Joe couldn't tell for sure if the customers saw Mitch hurl but they probably knew what was going on. After the customers left, Mitch told Joe that he wasn't feeling well and Joe would have to take over the register for the day.

Oh...it should be noted that Joe was not register trained!

Mitch gave Joe a crash course in How To Run The Register At Wild Tamales and barfed in-between sentences. Serious.

"So scan the item.......BLAAAAARGGGG!!! Hit that button..........PLUUURRRRGGGG!!! Enter the cash amount.............AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGLLLLLLEEEEEE!!!"

After the impromptu training course, Mitch said that he had contacted the head manager, Merlin, who would come in after he took his dog to the vet. Mitch then went into the back were he spent the next two hours hunkered over the toilet and retching his brains out. Joe thought to himself, "Well, I really don't know how to run the register but it's Monday morning so it shouldn't be very busy...I'll be okay."

Unfortunately for my brother, that particular Monday was Martin Luther King Day so a lot of schools were closed.

Teenagers started to flood into Wild Tamales. They were running around, asking Joe questions that he didn't know the answers to and buying all sorts of stuff. Joe only knew the basics on running the register so he was doing a crummy job.

Scan item, run card, receipt, hope the register doesn't jam or run out of register tape.

Of course, Mitch didn't show Joe how to erase an item from the register if there was a mistake, how to run the frequent buyer cards or the gift cards, how to get those frigging plastic things off of the Cd's or any of that other stuff. Needless to say, things were hectic.

At 12:50, Joe had a line in front of him and the phone kept ringing. Mitch came out and said that he had to leave but that Merlin would be there soon and how he was really sorry about everything as nobody was expecting the store to be so busy that day. Normally, Joe would have asked him to stay until Merlin showed up but he couldn't have Mitch yakking in front of a store full of customers. However, it is also mandatory for a manager to be present at all times so Joe wasn't sure why Mitch bailed before Merlin showed up.

So there Joe was, flying solo in a consumer sh*t storm. Even though Joe was by himself on the floor earlier, Mitch was in the back so Joe could at least ask questions when needed. Sink or swim, dear brother.

Ten minutes later, the phone rang. It was Merlin.

"Hey, can I speak to Mitch?"

"Nope, he's not here."

"You mean he's in the back?"

"No, he's not here."

(Pause)......."Are you there by yourself?"

"Yep."

"@?*&%$#! Okay, I'll put the dog in the kennel and be right there!"

Joe worked alone for a solid hour before Merlin arrived and Joe told him his sob story. Merlin checked around the store and discovered that none of the pre-opening tasks had been completed. Merlin shook his head.

"I've been here seven years and this has never happened."

Merlin immediately went on a calling spree trying to get other employees to come in and help but...no dice. One person was in Africa, another one was sick, two more were in school, another one was at her other job, yadda yadda. So, Joe had to stay there a few extra hours until everything was figured out.

Joe and Merlin finally got the store under control when Morris, another employee and something of a doof, walked in.

Morris: "Hi guys!"

Merlin: "What are you doing here?"

Morris: "I'm starting my shift."

Merlin: "You're not scheduled today."

Morris: "Huh?"

Merlin: "You're not supposed to be here until Wednesday."

Morris: "Oh.......dang."

Since Joe was shell shocked, Morris took over and Joe went home.

I will NEVER buy a button out of one of those bowls again.

I'm also willing to bet that I would NOT enter the bathroom at Wild Tamales.