I Am A Gross Mom - Part Two

Olivia and I walked through Penney's and into the mall. I was feeling pretty good about shopping because I walk approx. 4 miles per hour and she was keeping up without trouble. Ahead, I could see the hand lotion/nail guy and he already had me in his cross-hairs. I turned to Olivia and said, "Stick with me, kid" and made like I was really interested in what Hallmark had displayed in their window.

"Oh miss, could I please see your hand?"

Crap.

"Oh-a...scusi scusi...my-a Eeegnleesh...itsa..."

"Mama, why are you waving your arms around and talking like that?"

Kid busted me. Not something I'll soon forget. Little traitor.

"This buffer makes your nails look freshly manicured without the manicure."

"Oh no...I'm fine...really..."

"...only $29.95 and I also have hand lotion...have a sniff..."

"I'm allergic."

With that, I grabbed Olivia's hand and bolted away with the man chasing after us.

"What did I say about the man with the sponge, Olivia?"

"But, Mama, it's rude to ignore somebody when they speak to you."

Damn school teaching my kid proper etiquette.

"Yes, Olivia, you are correct."

We scurried into Macy's and headed straight to the section that had work-ish looking clothes. I grabbed a dress off of the rack and found a mirrored support post. I held the dress up to the front of me while turning from side to side so I could see how it looked from all angles. "This dress makes my butt look big," I said to myself and returned it to the rack. I turned towards Olivia so she would know that I was walking to another area and...she wasn't there! Frantically, I looked around, jumping so I could see over the racks, and spotted her getting a drink from the water fountain!

Crap.

"Olivia, we're going to get something for lunch after shopping and you can have a drink then so...NONONONONONO...do NOT put your mouth on the fountain!"

My earlier good feeling about shopping immediately vanished.

I finished up with Macy's as quickly as possible with my child constantly yipping, "...but, Mama, how do you know it will fit if you don't try it on?" My response: "I just do...it's one of my super-powers." Olivia accepted this explanation without question because it is common knowledge that, indeed, I am a super-hero. (I'm also a rock star. I know this because Olivia sometimes wears a t-shirt that says, "My mom is a Rock Star!" It's brown and pink with lots of sparkles. The sparkles make it true.)

We made it through Ann Taylor without incident and headed for The Gap.

"Mama, I have to go potty."

Crap.

"Just wait a few minutes, Olivia. We'll be finished soon."

"Mama, I really have to go...I can't hold it!"

Crap. Crap. Damn department stores with their conveniently located water fountains to keep their customers properly hydrated.

"Okay, let's go across to Nordstrom and you can use their restroom." I was actually fine with this because Nordy's has the only public restroom I feel safe entering.

We took the escalator to the 2nd floor and headed towards the bathroom, which is located next to lingerie. "Hmm...I probably should buy some new bras," I thought.

(If you are beginning to sense that trouble's a-brewin', you are absolutely correct.)

After the restroom, we walked onto the lingerie floor. I need to interject that I absolutely loathe bra shopping. There are the obvious reasons but also the inevitable question from the salesgal which is, "Have you been fitted for a bra before?"

Crap.

I uttered a very reluctant, "No..." because the prospect of standing in a small dressing room nekkid from the waist up with a complete stranger is 100% appalling to me. "Let's do that first and then I'll bring you some bras," and off to the dressing rooms we went.

The salesgal wrapped a measuring tape around me and said, "Okay...I'll be right back and we'll try on some bras!" Oh joy...in front of a quite perky 22 year old gal...and me with the child nursing and the gravity and the child nursing. Did I mention that she was perky?

Olivia was seated in front of me when she returned with four bras. "Go ahead, take off your shirt and bra and we'll try on the first one." I did as instructed and the minute my bra was away from my skin, the room was filled with...

"UGH! That is DISGUSTING! Mama, put your shirt back on...NOW!"

Crap.

"Oh Mama, that is just NASTY!"

Child so loud.

"Olivia, indoor voice please...yeah this bra feels fine."

The salesgal said, "Great...go ahead and remove the bra and we'll try on another. Sweetie, why don't you turn around so you don't have to watch?"

Not only is child so loud but also...child so smart. Again, I blame the school because there's no way she's getting those brains from home.

"Um...there's a mirror hell-oo...I can still see what's...YUCK! Mama, I did NOT need to see THAT! This is for private time only and not when other people can see! GROSS! Mama, put those things away!"

"This one feels good, too. I only need two bras so there's no need to try on all four. Why don't I wear this one out? You can just cut off the tag, right? So I don't have to change? Just cut off the tag, right?"

The salesgal cut off the tag, I put my shirt back on and the three of us walked to the register.

I kid you not...people were waiting around in the department to get a gander at the gnarly hag with small child in tow.

To be fair, if I heard that sort of thing coming from a dressing room, I'd wait around, too.