Shirts, Pants and Negligent Parents

Today, Olivia and I went to Birthday Party #1 (tomorrow is Birthday Party #2). Joe, Jess, Tom and Tom's family were there, too. Joe had to leave early because he was scheduled to work at Wild Tamales. After Birthday Party #1, I was hungry and Tom's wife needed to buy some pants for one kid and a Webkins for her other kid so we went to...the mall.

We figured that we should either eat or get coffee first so we headed towards the food court. There was very loud music coming from one of the stores so I asked, "How can they work in there with all of that loud music?" Tom's wife immediately agreed and then we yelled at some kids to pull up their pants and keep off of the grass. Tom said that the store must be the dance party store.

Suddenly, Tom's wife turned to me and said, "Isn't Joe at work right now? We should surprise him at Wild Tamales!" My eyes lit up and then we both squealed like 15 year old girls with 4th row tickets to the New Kids On The Block concert complete with that obnoxious hopping/jumping/hand clapping thing even though we had just told our kids to calm down.

Tom's wife and I lead by example.

We went to Wild Tamales and talked to Joe, who had two minutes left of his break. Mitch and Morris were there but not Merlin. I'm happy to report that I did not see any vomit coming out of Mitch. I also didn't buy any buttons.

After we left Wild Tamales, we got something to eat, found coffee and bought Webkins and pants. As we were walking past the stores, I looked into one of the windows and said, "I like that top." Tom asked, "Why do you call it a top? Why not a shirt?"

If it has buttons down the front, I call it a shirt. If it isn't a button-down, it may be a t-shirt, turtleneck, polo shirt, sweater or tunic. If it doesn't fit into any of those categories, it's a top. I didn't bother 'splaining any of this to Tom because he is a boy. Tom's wife is a girl and therefore did not require any 'splaining. Might as well save my words for more important things such as, "Why are those little girls all by themselves? Where are their parents? That little one is about four years old and the other one isn't a day over six." (Turns out their mom was inside Hallmark and figured the bench in the middle of the mall walkway was a safe place to leave them.)

We passed by the dance party store again on our way out of...the mall. Tom promptly went inside the entrance and danced in a very dorky way. Olivia followed. People stared. Once the dance party was over and we were back on our way, Tom's wife said something about the smoking deal she found on the pants. Tom said, "Don't you mean bottoms?"

Puh-leeze.

This Is Just Nasty

Joe has been working retail for the past few months at...the mall. I've never visited him at work because that would require a trip to...the mall. To protect the identities of everybody involved, the names of the store and other employees have been changed in the following story. Joe and Jess picked the fake names.

Last Monday, Joe arrived at work around 10:45 at Wild Tamales. Mitch was already at work and asked Joe if he could clock in ASAP. Mitch had his hood pulled up over his head and looked brutal so Joe knew that something was up. Joe ditched his stuff in the back, grabbed his name tag and went behind the sales counter. Mitch was ringing up two customers and at the same time, leaned over and grabbed one of those clear plastic bowls that they usually keep pins in. Joe could see some sort of brown gunk in the bottom of the bowl.

Then it happened...

"GLOOORRRFFFFF!!!!!!!"

Mitched puked right into the bowl. Joe couldn't tell for sure if the customers saw Mitch hurl but they probably knew what was going on. After the customers left, Mitch told Joe that he wasn't feeling well and Joe would have to take over the register for the day.

Oh...it should be noted that Joe was not register trained!

Mitch gave Joe a crash course in How To Run The Register At Wild Tamales and barfed in-between sentences. Serious.

"So scan the item.......BLAAAAARGGGG!!! Hit that button..........PLUUURRRRGGGG!!! Enter the cash amount.............AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGLLLLLLEEEEEE!!!"

After the impromptu training course, Mitch said that he had contacted the head manager, Merlin, who would come in after he took his dog to the vet. Mitch then went into the back were he spent the next two hours hunkered over the toilet and retching his brains out. Joe thought to himself, "Well, I really don't know how to run the register but it's Monday morning so it shouldn't be very busy...I'll be okay."

Unfortunately for my brother, that particular Monday was Martin Luther King Day so a lot of schools were closed.

Teenagers started to flood into Wild Tamales. They were running around, asking Joe questions that he didn't know the answers to and buying all sorts of stuff. Joe only knew the basics on running the register so he was doing a crummy job.

Scan item, run card, receipt, hope the register doesn't jam or run out of register tape.

Of course, Mitch didn't show Joe how to erase an item from the register if there was a mistake, how to run the frequent buyer cards or the gift cards, how to get those frigging plastic things off of the Cd's or any of that other stuff. Needless to say, things were hectic.

At 12:50, Joe had a line in front of him and the phone kept ringing. Mitch came out and said that he had to leave but that Merlin would be there soon and how he was really sorry about everything as nobody was expecting the store to be so busy that day. Normally, Joe would have asked him to stay until Merlin showed up but he couldn't have Mitch yakking in front of a store full of customers. However, it is also mandatory for a manager to be present at all times so Joe wasn't sure why Mitch bailed before Merlin showed up.

So there Joe was, flying solo in a consumer sh*t storm. Even though Joe was by himself on the floor earlier, Mitch was in the back so Joe could at least ask questions when needed. Sink or swim, dear brother.

Ten minutes later, the phone rang. It was Merlin.

"Hey, can I speak to Mitch?"

"Nope, he's not here."

"You mean he's in the back?"

"No, he's not here."

(Pause)......."Are you there by yourself?"

"Yep."

"@?*&%$#! Okay, I'll put the dog in the kennel and be right there!"

Joe worked alone for a solid hour before Merlin arrived and Joe told him his sob story. Merlin checked around the store and discovered that none of the pre-opening tasks had been completed. Merlin shook his head.

"I've been here seven years and this has never happened."

Merlin immediately went on a calling spree trying to get other employees to come in and help but...no dice. One person was in Africa, another one was sick, two more were in school, another one was at her other job, yadda yadda. So, Joe had to stay there a few extra hours until everything was figured out.

Joe and Merlin finally got the store under control when Morris, another employee and something of a doof, walked in.

Morris: "Hi guys!"

Merlin: "What are you doing here?"

Morris: "I'm starting my shift."

Merlin: "You're not scheduled today."

Morris: "Huh?"

Merlin: "You're not supposed to be here until Wednesday."

Morris: "Oh.......dang."

Since Joe was shell shocked, Morris took over and Joe went home.

I will NEVER buy a button out of one of those bowls again.

I'm also willing to bet that I would NOT enter the bathroom at Wild Tamales.

I Am A Gross Mom - Part Two

Olivia and I walked through Penney's and into the mall. I was feeling pretty good about shopping because I walk approx. 4 miles per hour and she was keeping up without trouble. Ahead, I could see the hand lotion/nail guy and he already had me in his cross-hairs. I turned to Olivia and said, "Stick with me, kid" and made like I was really interested in what Hallmark had displayed in their window.

"Oh miss, could I please see your hand?"

Crap.

"Oh-a...scusi scusi...my-a Eeegnleesh...itsa..."

"Mama, why are you waving your arms around and talking like that?"

Kid busted me. Not something I'll soon forget. Little traitor.

"This buffer makes your nails look freshly manicured without the manicure."

"Oh no...I'm fine...really..."

"...only $29.95 and I also have hand lotion...have a sniff..."

"I'm allergic."

With that, I grabbed Olivia's hand and bolted away with the man chasing after us.

"What did I say about the man with the sponge, Olivia?"

"But, Mama, it's rude to ignore somebody when they speak to you."

Damn school teaching my kid proper etiquette.

"Yes, Olivia, you are correct."

We scurried into Macy's and headed straight to the section that had work-ish looking clothes. I grabbed a dress off of the rack and found a mirrored support post. I held the dress up to the front of me while turning from side to side so I could see how it looked from all angles. "This dress makes my butt look big," I said to myself and returned it to the rack. I turned towards Olivia so she would know that I was walking to another area and...she wasn't there! Frantically, I looked around, jumping so I could see over the racks, and spotted her getting a drink from the water fountain!

Crap.

"Olivia, we're going to get something for lunch after shopping and you can have a drink then so...NONONONONONO...do NOT put your mouth on the fountain!"

My earlier good feeling about shopping immediately vanished.

I finished up with Macy's as quickly as possible with my child constantly yipping, "...but, Mama, how do you know it will fit if you don't try it on?" My response: "I just do...it's one of my super-powers." Olivia accepted this explanation without question because it is common knowledge that, indeed, I am a super-hero. (I'm also a rock star. I know this because Olivia sometimes wears a t-shirt that says, "My mom is a Rock Star!" It's brown and pink with lots of sparkles. The sparkles make it true.)

We made it through Ann Taylor without incident and headed for The Gap.

"Mama, I have to go potty."

Crap.

"Just wait a few minutes, Olivia. We'll be finished soon."

"Mama, I really have to go...I can't hold it!"

Crap. Crap. Damn department stores with their conveniently located water fountains to keep their customers properly hydrated.

"Okay, let's go across to Nordstrom and you can use their restroom." I was actually fine with this because Nordy's has the only public restroom I feel safe entering.

We took the escalator to the 2nd floor and headed towards the bathroom, which is located next to lingerie. "Hmm...I probably should buy some new bras," I thought.

(If you are beginning to sense that trouble's a-brewin', you are absolutely correct.)

After the restroom, we walked onto the lingerie floor. I need to interject that I absolutely loathe bra shopping. There are the obvious reasons but also the inevitable question from the salesgal which is, "Have you been fitted for a bra before?"

Crap.

I uttered a very reluctant, "No..." because the prospect of standing in a small dressing room nekkid from the waist up with a complete stranger is 100% appalling to me. "Let's do that first and then I'll bring you some bras," and off to the dressing rooms we went.

The salesgal wrapped a measuring tape around me and said, "Okay...I'll be right back and we'll try on some bras!" Oh joy...in front of a quite perky 22 year old gal...and me with the child nursing and the gravity and the child nursing. Did I mention that she was perky?

Olivia was seated in front of me when she returned with four bras. "Go ahead, take off your shirt and bra and we'll try on the first one." I did as instructed and the minute my bra was away from my skin, the room was filled with...

"UGH! That is DISGUSTING! Mama, put your shirt back on...NOW!"

Crap.

"Oh Mama, that is just NASTY!"

Child so loud.

"Olivia, indoor voice please...yeah this bra feels fine."

The salesgal said, "Great...go ahead and remove the bra and we'll try on another. Sweetie, why don't you turn around so you don't have to watch?"

Not only is child so loud but also...child so smart. Again, I blame the school because there's no way she's getting those brains from home.

"Um...there's a mirror hell-oo...I can still see what's...YUCK! Mama, I did NOT need to see THAT! This is for private time only and not when other people can see! GROSS! Mama, put those things away!"

"This one feels good, too. I only need two bras so there's no need to try on all four. Why don't I wear this one out? You can just cut off the tag, right? So I don't have to change? Just cut off the tag, right?"

The salesgal cut off the tag, I put my shirt back on and the three of us walked to the register.

I kid you not...people were waiting around in the department to get a gander at the gnarly hag with small child in tow.

To be fair, if I heard that sort of thing coming from a dressing room, I'd wait around, too.

I Am A Gross Mom - Part One

I don't enjoy shopping for clothes but my office relocated and the new work environment is very different. How different, you may ask? Before July 1st, my office was located in a warehouse behind the Expo Center...jeans, sweats, sneakers, no makeup...it was heaven! On July 1st, my office moved into an escrow branch. Escrow means customers are involved and even though my operation doesn't require customer contact, we are still visible so...skirts, slacks, nice tops, dresses, pantyhose, clip-clop shoes, makeup. Since my wardrobe was quite limited, a shopping trip was necessary so Olivia and I headed to...the mall. (I'm not a fan of the mall...probably has something to do with the fact a trip to the mall involves shopping for clothes.)

I have a have a specific plan when going to the mall. Get in, buy clothes, get out - all without using a public restroom. To achieve this goal, I use the following strategy:

• Park the car by Penney's because you can find a spot fairly close to the entrance.
• Walk as fast as possible through the mall until you come to Macy's.
• Pretend to not hear the guy at the hand lotion/nail care kiosk who trys to stop you for a look at your fingernails and then buff them with some $30 sponge-type thing that is supposed to make them look polished without the polish.
• If the lotion/nail guy is of the aggressive variety and chases you down (this is the case more often than not), act as if you can't understand English. Try to sound French or Italian..."oh-uh...my Eengleesh itsa not so-uh...scusi scusi..." Make a lot of big, sweeping gestures to convey just how sorry you are that you can't understand a word he is saying. Do not, under any circumstance, stop walking or slow down. If it means you have to crash into and take out the hermit crab booth, so be it.
• Walk through Macy's and take a quick look at the racks of clothes. If something catches your eye, find your size, hold it up to you while standing in front of a mirrored support post and turn from side to side so you can see how it looks from different angles. Decide on the spot if it will fit/look good when you are actually wearing it to avoid stripping down in the dressing room. (The locks on those doors are usually broken and a high percentage of shoppers don't check for shoes before entering.) If executed properly, you should be able to purchase 3-4 items and be on your way out of Macy's within 8 minutes.
• Walk as fast as you can through the mall towards Nordstrom. When you get to Ann Taylor, go inside and shop Macy-Style. Repeat when you come to The Gap.
• Exit The Gap and walk straight across the mall to Nordstrom. Do not stop for a drink at the espresso cart because that's nothing more than playing Restroom Roulette. (Call me a wuss, but that's a chance I'm not willing to take...can't "hold it until it's safe" like I could back in the day.)
• Once inside Nordstrom, you can slow down and relax. Nobody will bother you here so use this chance renew your energy for the treacherous walk back to the car. Nordstrom is kind of like baseball. If you are touching Nordy's you are safe, but the minute you step away from Nordy's the 2nd baseman (person doing consumer research and wants you to fill out a questionairre) might tag you and then you're OUT!
• Peruse the clothing at Nordstrom and try them on if need be. All of the locks will work here and a salesperson usually has to let you in with a key. Nobody will bust in on you when you're trying to stuff that "extra skin" that sits just above your waist into a pair of slacks.
• When finished at Norstrom, re-enter the mall at the 2nd floor level to avoid walking past the lotion/nail guy again.
• Walk towards Penney's and do not stop. There are no shops for you on the 2nd floor so don't even look in their windows as you pass by...all it will do is slow you down. The 2nd floor is the teenager floor and you can NOT pull off that look...trust me!
• As you approach Penney's, cross to the south side of the mall walkway and detour through Barnes & Noble. Chances are likely that you need something from B&N anyway and since they are located next to Penney's, you can leave through their exit.
• If you are still thirsty, it is safe to buy something at the B&N Starbucks...unless you plan to make a stop at Target on the way home. Target restrooms are strictly verboten...du lieber Gott!!

As Olivia and I parked the car and began our walk towards Penney's, I explained the above plan to her and stressed the most crucial things...don't drink anything, don't drink anything and don't stop to wait for the man who is chasing Mommy with a sponge because I will not come back if he catches you!

...to be continued (we haven't gotten to the "gross mom" part yet - it will all make sense at the end) ...