I Am A Gross Mom - Part One

I don't enjoy shopping for clothes but my office relocated and the new work environment is very different. How different, you may ask? Before July 1st, my office was located in a warehouse behind the Expo Center...jeans, sweats, sneakers, no makeup...it was heaven! On July 1st, my office moved into an escrow branch. Escrow means customers are involved and even though my operation doesn't require customer contact, we are still visible so...skirts, slacks, nice tops, dresses, pantyhose, clip-clop shoes, makeup. Since my wardrobe was quite limited, a shopping trip was necessary so Olivia and I headed to...the mall. (I'm not a fan of the mall...probably has something to do with the fact a trip to the mall involves shopping for clothes.)

I have a have a specific plan when going to the mall. Get in, buy clothes, get out - all without using a public restroom. To achieve this goal, I use the following strategy:

• Park the car by Penney's because you can find a spot fairly close to the entrance.
• Walk as fast as possible through the mall until you come to Macy's.
• Pretend to not hear the guy at the hand lotion/nail care kiosk who trys to stop you for a look at your fingernails and then buff them with some $30 sponge-type thing that is supposed to make them look polished without the polish.
• If the lotion/nail guy is of the aggressive variety and chases you down (this is the case more often than not), act as if you can't understand English. Try to sound French or Italian..."oh-uh...my Eengleesh itsa not so-uh...scusi scusi..." Make a lot of big, sweeping gestures to convey just how sorry you are that you can't understand a word he is saying. Do not, under any circumstance, stop walking or slow down. If it means you have to crash into and take out the hermit crab booth, so be it.
• Walk through Macy's and take a quick look at the racks of clothes. If something catches your eye, find your size, hold it up to you while standing in front of a mirrored support post and turn from side to side so you can see how it looks from different angles. Decide on the spot if it will fit/look good when you are actually wearing it to avoid stripping down in the dressing room. (The locks on those doors are usually broken and a high percentage of shoppers don't check for shoes before entering.) If executed properly, you should be able to purchase 3-4 items and be on your way out of Macy's within 8 minutes.
• Walk as fast as you can through the mall towards Nordstrom. When you get to Ann Taylor, go inside and shop Macy-Style. Repeat when you come to The Gap.
• Exit The Gap and walk straight across the mall to Nordstrom. Do not stop for a drink at the espresso cart because that's nothing more than playing Restroom Roulette. (Call me a wuss, but that's a chance I'm not willing to take...can't "hold it until it's safe" like I could back in the day.)
• Once inside Nordstrom, you can slow down and relax. Nobody will bother you here so use this chance renew your energy for the treacherous walk back to the car. Nordstrom is kind of like baseball. If you are touching Nordy's you are safe, but the minute you step away from Nordy's the 2nd baseman (person doing consumer research and wants you to fill out a questionairre) might tag you and then you're OUT!
• Peruse the clothing at Nordstrom and try them on if need be. All of the locks will work here and a salesperson usually has to let you in with a key. Nobody will bust in on you when you're trying to stuff that "extra skin" that sits just above your waist into a pair of slacks.
• When finished at Norstrom, re-enter the mall at the 2nd floor level to avoid walking past the lotion/nail guy again.
• Walk towards Penney's and do not stop. There are no shops for you on the 2nd floor so don't even look in their windows as you pass by...all it will do is slow you down. The 2nd floor is the teenager floor and you can NOT pull off that look...trust me!
• As you approach Penney's, cross to the south side of the mall walkway and detour through Barnes & Noble. Chances are likely that you need something from B&N anyway and since they are located next to Penney's, you can leave through their exit.
• If you are still thirsty, it is safe to buy something at the B&N Starbucks...unless you plan to make a stop at Target on the way home. Target restrooms are strictly verboten...du lieber Gott!!

As Olivia and I parked the car and began our walk towards Penney's, I explained the above plan to her and stressed the most crucial things...don't drink anything, don't drink anything and don't stop to wait for the man who is chasing Mommy with a sponge because I will not come back if he catches you!

...to be continued (we haven't gotten to the "gross mom" part yet - it will all make sense at the end) ...